Cry Baby

Can we talk about crying?

I don't know about you, but I have always been a crier. I cry at EVERYthing. Happy, sad, neutral...I cry. It doesn't take much. For most of my life, I was led to believe (and I internalized it) that this meant I was "too sensitive" and I needed to toughen up. That's just the general attitude of society...not blaming anyone in particular here...that's just how it is. As a result of internalizing that, I've felt like a wimpy little failure a lot of the time. Angry at myself that I couldn't just make myself have a thicker skin. And if you identify as a crier, you probably know what I'm talking about.

But what if by wanting to change that, I was rejecting the unique gift that God quilted into my soul?

What if my urges to cry were actually promptings and whisperings of the Holy Spirit?

What if by trying to suppress my tears, I wasn't just burning my eyes, but also my spirit and grieving the Spirit of God?

When Mr. Ford and I were going through our pre-marital counseling, we talked a lot about certain things that grieve my heart. Keith, our pastor, looked directly at me, bore into my soul, and said with a fierceness I knew meant I should heed this counsel, "Give expression to those emotions". I nodded and immediately tears came. And he saw this and urged, "Give expression to it, dear one. Give expression to it no matter where you are or who you are with."

Slowly, over the last eight or nine months, that has begun to internalize...and replace the 25 years of internalization that crying was bad and that I needed to stop being so sensitive. (Have you ever noticed how much disdain that phrase carries when it is uttered? It's so demeaning.) But it hasn't been until the last month or so that I have really begun to grasp the full weight of what it means to give expression to those whispers.

It has completely turned my perspective on life on it's head. My life in particular.

Here's the thing. One of my spiritual gifts is discernment. On every gifts test I have ever taken in my 26 years in church, I have scored very high in discernment. And I see it in my everyday life. And I realized, again with the help of Keith, that these emotions are promptings from the Holy Spirit that there is a wound or a need or some brokenness in my presence. And this grieves my spirit. And so I cry. I weep. It is my soul giving expression to the groanings that are too deep for words. This is worthy. It is NOT shameful. And from this point forward, I refuse to accept that attitude from any source.

When I cry, when I give expression to these groanings, I am interceding on behalf of those who are too broken to do so for themselves...it is my worthy and holy calling that the Creator God gave me, Ashley Ford, to help heal the broken and do kingdom work. And even, sometimes, it is the only way to intercede on my own behalf. When words fail me, my spirit groans, and my tears are my prayers. And the Father hears these prayers...oh, how He hears them. And He loves them.

This may seem small...but it is the small things that make up the whole. And in that, they are not small. This privilege is, for me, everything. It is my life's work. More than being a wife or, God willing, someday a mother. This calling informs those callings. And I am blessed by this. It has changed everything for me.

Why do I share this with you?

In hopes that if you, like me, are a "crier", you will be encouraged. That you will find purpose and worthiness in that crying. That you will, from this day forward, give expression to it. And every emotion. Laughter holds the same weighty worthiness. Do not run from it. Do not suppress it. It is the very Spirit of God moving in you and whispering to your heart, "Here is the work I have prepared for you." Do not ignore that. And do not allow the lies of the world, even if they are coming from an otherwise trustworthy source, to convince you that this is a weakness and to shame you into not expressing what God has placed in your heart.

This is a divine imperative, which has more weight than any worldly imperative, familial imperative, or even "churchy" imperative. It is my response to my Savior and ultimately, isn't that what this Christ-follower life is about? Responding? A response to what He did for us at Calvary and to His resurrection and to the way He moves in our lives and in our world.

Often, I respond by weeping. And the Lord smiles and says, "Well done, good and faithful servant".

 How do you respond?

A Canine Love Letter

Have I ever told you about my dog? He's pretty amazing. His name is Tootles and he is a Chiweenie...a chihuahua/dachshund mix. No, he is not named for Mickey's Mousketools helper on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (what? I'm a nanny and I have nieces and a nephew, back off!), but rather for the Lost Boy in Peter Pan. He is my little Lost Boy and I am his mother.

He is sweet, funny, neurotic, cuddly, weird, and very in tune with his humans.

His favorite thing is to be constantly touching one of us. If he can manage to be touching both of us at the same time, he's even happier. He likes to curl up into a tight little ball and be as close as he can possibly get. He will squirm and curl his way into the smallest possible space just so that he is certain there is no air between him and us.

Sometimes he forgets that he has two back legs. He'll just drag them around behind him and stretch his long doxie body out as far as he can to make progress before pulling his back legs up under him. If he's traversing over you and does this, it's a completely ridiculous sight because all it does is make his life harder. But he doesn't seem to get it or care. Or both.

Sometimes I think he might be part cat because he loves to bask in the sunlight on the carpet and he'll stretch and arch his back like cats do. This always weirds me out. He reminds me of that old gross Nickelodeon cartoon, CatDog, when he does this. Do you remember that cartoon? Yeesh. It always bothered me. What a weird thing.

He refuses to eat unless he can keep tabs on us. If we are in the living room, he will go into the kitchen, get a mouth full of food, bring it out where he can see us, drop the food on the floor, and then eat it slowly while keeping an eye on us. If we are in the bedroom however, he will not eat unless one of us gets up to go in the kitchen at which point he follows us and scarfs as much as he can while we stand in the kitchen before he has to give it up to follow us back to the bedroom.

He tries to anticipate our every move in an effort to be as close to us as possible at all times. If he thinks we're headed to the couch, he'll race to it and leap up on it. He then proceeds to run back and forth on the cushions trying to decide where we'll land so that he doesn't waste anytime being curled up next to us.

If we shift positions at anytime he shifts with us but doesn't wait until we've settled back down. He always has to be glued to us, even as we're shifting. It's very awkward sometimes and makes the whole scene a little more difficult for everyone.

He will do anything for a belly-rub. Anything. He will squirm around to get into a position that leaves you with no question of what he wants exactly when he wants it. He makes it very clear that you are expected to give him a belly-rub. Right. Now.

He has the greatest brow furrow. When he's concerned or feeling playful or confused, he scrunches it up and I just can't resist it. I love a good brow furrow. Probably the main reason I married my husband as well as chose my dog. The brow furrow. I could write a love letter about brow furrows. Maybe another day...

He has Dachshund sized ears but they stick up like a Chihuahua and that coupled with his brow furrow makes me weak in the knees for my little Lost Boy.

He does what we call the crouch-waddle when he thinks he's in trouble or when he knows he doesn't get to go with us and has to go in his crate. He crouches as low to the ground as he can get and waddles his back end, which I think is him really wagging his tail, to try to hide. It's like he thinks the closer he is to the ground the less likely we are to see him and make him "go to bed".

Conversely, he thinks that the higher off the ground he is the more likely we are to see him and pet him. When we come home he immediately hops up on the arm of the couch and wags his tail so hard that his entire back half seems to swing around and hit him in the face and knocks him off the arm of the couch.

He also has a crazy high vertical jump. He will use this in an effort for us to see him better as well.

He does not like to be ignored. He will stick his face in front of the phone if we're looking at it, he will sit ON the keyboard of the computer if we're typing, and he will crawl over the book and block it if we are reading. He will get in our faces and not leave us alone until we've acknowledged him with a belly-rub or ear scratch.

He knows the cues for bedtime. When either Mr. Ford or I brush our teeth and fill our water cups from the Brita pitcher in the fridge, he knows...bedtime...and often, he'll put himself to bed. This is especially awesome.

Most incredible to me though, is his ability to know when we are in emotional distress and that we need his comfort. Maybe this is true of all dogs, but Tootles is just so good at knowing exactly when Momma needs a cuddle and he knows how to give just the right amount of cuddle in those moments. He's been there every time I've needed just some unconditional, raw love.

Dogs are just really wonderful creatures. And we love ours a whole heap. He's our little Lost Boy and he gives us so much joy and so much love and so much laughter.

"What's Up, Baby?"

Erica, my heavenly Dumey angel, and Leah, my earthly Dumey angel.

Who do I go to for advice on how to groom my eyebrows without spending loads of money? It makes me smile to imagine your answer...they're out of control, let me tell ya', and you'd laugh.

It's hard to believe a year has passed already. But not a day has gone by that you are not on my heart and on my mind. That will never change. You touched my life inexplicably, sweet friend, and everyday of my life from now until I hear your "What's up, baby?" again, I will carry your legacy with me. It is written on my very soul.

A legacy of passion, creativity, laughter, and love. And the critical importance of taking the time to come alongside and bear one another's burdens. I'm doing my darnedest to own that and carry it out.

Dance and be free, baby.


PS - At our wedding, Mr. Ford and I asked our guests to choose from four different organizations to which we would donate on behalf of each table present. One of those was NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, in loving memory of Erica. All but four tables chose NAMI. Today, we are planning to make that donation. 

Follow the Bouncing Thought Bubble...

In no particular order:

- This site has my little soul all twitterpated. I have ideas for a future nursery forming...particularly because of this poster...

- No, once again, NOT a veiled hint.

- We are loving the Carla Bruni station on Pandora.

- I was a highly efficient and productive shopper this weekend. A little retail therapy did me good.

- This book is kind of rocking my world right now.

- Also rocking my world right now is, the concept of grace, in all of it's multiple layers. Seriously.

- Mr. Ford is the hardest working fellow I know and I am so proud of him and humbled by it. Every day.

- My dog is awesome and a total weirdy.

That is all. For now. :) Happy Monday!

Week in Review

I can't believe another week has gone by already. It caught me completely by surprise. This week we:

-Both got our reading mojo back! I finished my reread of The Hunger Games and am totally jazzed to see the movie now. Mr. Ford started rereading The Great Gatsby and is finding a whole new appreciation for it this time around. He is now totally jazzed for the Baz Luhrmann 3D film version...but bummed we have to wait till Christmas for it. Mr. Ford is thoroughly convinced Mr. Luhrmann is the perfect filmmaker to bring Gatsby to life. He now has me ready to reread it too. We're trading books when he's done. :) I love having my reading mojo working again.

-Spent a really wonderful evening with my parents. Dinner, an insanely good bottle of wine, and lots of laughter and life talk. It was one of the best evenings we've spent with them since everything with my grandmother hit the family so hard. We were so grateful for that time with them this week.

-Had some terribly revolutionary conversations about ourselves and our marriage that have us really excited about the future and left us with a better understanding of each other and ourselves and our purpose as a couple. God is good.

-Ate a LOT of ice cream. I, in particular, consumed a lot of various combinations of peanut butter, chocolate, and ice cream. And apparently that wasn't enough chocolate and peanut butter for me because I stopped at the CVS on my way home last night just to pick up a bag of Reese's to satisfy my cravings. And no, this is NOT a vague and veiled hint that I'm pregnant. There will be nothing vague about that announcement when it happens, I promise.

-I decided to take control of my awful cuticle-destroying habits that have gotten completely ridiculous. I bought myself a good nail file and some Burt's Bees cuticle cream that I have been rubbing on about every 5 seconds. This is probably not really worth mentioning, but it's a big deal for me. I shall conquer this, I shall! (10 points if you can name that movie...)

There was a lot of introspection happening this week, for me, and I am learning a great deal about myself. It's totally rocking my world. I am so grateful for the people and resources that God has used in this season of learning in my life. And I am awed by the timing of it all, coming together at just the right moments. He knows what He's doing. I continue to trust in that.

I hope you all had a great week and are looking forward to an even better weekend.

Week in Review

We had a great week. After being sick last week with a gnarly cold, I was ready to enjoy my sweet little life again.

We...

- Had a double feature date night at the $5 Tuesday movies. We saw The Lorax and The Artist and then we spent the next hour or so discussing each film's narrative and then the narrative that the two in combination formed. My husband loves narrative. Of all forms. He sees the world through a framework of narratives. I love this about him. He looks for the narrative in everything and then he eagerly shares his thoughts with me. This happens all the time, but especially after we see a movie. I love going to movies with him. A week from Tuesday, we'll see Hunger Games at $5 movies. I'm so excited!

- And in preparation for the movie, I began rereading the book. Yay!

-We had the opportunity to see the pastor that officiated our wedding for the first time since the wedding. It was probably the highlight of our week. I have never met anyone in whom the gift of discernment is so strong. Time spent with him is always, always affirming, uplifting, and liberating. If you spent anytime at all with him at the wedding, I'm sure you experienced this in some capacity. Mr. Ford and I are incredibly blessed by the relationship we have with him.

-I listened to close to an hour of a 3-year-old singing Old MacDonald while he tried to quiet himself down for a nap. I also got to hear The Itsy Bitsy Spider and The Wheels on the Bus. I love my job.

-I made the most incredible pizza for dinner last night, complete with homemade dough. Caramelized onions, mushrooms, spinach, goat cheese, parmesan, a little honey and olive oil whisked together and drizzled on top. Sprinkled a little salt and pepper to finish. Oh, baby. Add a glass of Chardonnay...happy Thursday to us! Yum.

-It has been raining all week and I have been loving it. That's what winter usually is here in Northern California, but like most of the country, we've had a very mild winter (by our standards). So I'm just loving actually getting to wear my galoshes. Tootles and I are taking full advantage of it this morning. We are in full hibernation mode. Coffee, books, and blogs in bed. That's a good Friday morning.

And finally...I can't believe tomorrow marks six months of marriage. We have learned so much about ourselves and each other and our marriage already. This marriage thing is so much better than I ever thought it could be...and I thought it could be pretty darn spectacular. I love being a student of my husband and using that knowledge to build him up, inspire him, and allow him to flourish into the incredible, world-changing man that he is. I have been humbled by his consistent and tender love and the way in which he is allowing me and helping me to be and to find who I am meant to be in the Holy Spirit. Marriage is the ultimate adventure and I have the very best adventuring partner, without a doubt.

Happy Friday, y'all!

Who Am I?

2012 so far has been an annoying series of extremes. Highs and lows. I'm ready for it to even out a little bit. I feel like the last two and half months have completely slipped by me.

Brenda and Michael at a Cal game with my parents.

One of the highs however was finally being able to spend some time with our dear friends Michael and Brenda Miller (no relation, though a good story for another time). Michael has been a long time family friend to my family and it feels as though his wonderful wife, Brenda, has been around just as long as he has. Michael watched my sister and I grow up and is my dad's best friend. He's been there to offer wisdom, advice and love to my sister and I, and throughout mine and Mr. Ford's relationship, he and Brenda were trusted mentors and friends. We have learned a lot from our honest and raw conversations with them and they are extremely valuable to us. Brenda was hugely key in pulling off our wedding as well. She served us lovingly and sacrificially as our coordinator extraordinaire! A lot of life happened for Mr. Ford and I in the six months after our wedding, and the Millers were also terribly busy so we had not really had any time to catch up with them since then, but we finally were able to make it happen. We had them into our home for dinner and thoroughly enjoyed learning from one another until late into the night. We completely lost track of time. It was great!

Michael said something to me that evening that really struck a chord and I have been turning it over in my mind and heart for the last week, trying to get a hold of it. I was explaining all that we had been dealing with over the last six months...illness, job transitions, death, and a whole host of other emotionally taxing things...and that I had been feeling like I had lost myself in the midst of it. That I didn't really know who I was in all of that, but that I was starting to feel like I was coming back to it. And Michael offered another layer to it, that was simultaneously liberating and exposing. It gave me some clarity about how to process the last six months. He reminded me that not only was all of that life happening but that I really was adding a new identity to my person. I'm no longer a single woman. I'm a wife now. I'm no longer "Miller". I'm "Ford" now. Sure, I will never lose my very, very engrained Miller-ness, but I am now Ashley Ford. And that's more than just a name change.

Michael reminded me that is a huge transition for a woman and does require time to adjust and find out who Ashley Ford is. Who is she as an individual? As a wife? As a daughter-in--law? As a sister-in-law? As an aunt? Brenda offered her experience and told me that she was worried that people would have no idea who Brenda Miller is and that it scared her for awhile.

I can totally relate. In the middle of all of the other emotional whirly-twirly in my life, I also am trying to find myself as Mrs. Ashley Ford. It's weird. When I'm with my parents, I still totally identify as Miller. My mom and I went antiquing the other day and when the lady asked if I wanted her to hold the pitcher I had found and what name to keep it under, I told her "Miller" before correcting myself. But when I'm with Mr. Ford and with his family, I have zero problem identifying as Ford. I love being a Ford. I like to think I fit as a Ford. It's just a very strange transition...with it's whole own set of emotions that I don't know that I was prepared for.

Our first family outing to Apple Hill last fall.

I like it though. My husband makes it all worth it. He continuously reminds me day after day why I wanted to take on his name and add being his wife to my identity. I am so proud of him and all that he does for our little family. His strength and constant and true love has buoyed me these last six months and I love him more now than I did the day I married him. :)

Can any other wives out there relate? I'd love to know Brenda and I aren't the only ones for whom this transition took a little time... :)