The Ford Ranch

It's taken me awhile to process enough to be able to write about this...but I need to. I need to mark it, to raise an Ebenezer, to remember, because it's a moment in our lives together that God is using and will continue to use to grow us.

Since about March or April, Mr. Ford and I had been in the process of purchasing the home that his Grampa Ford had lived in for nearly 40 years. It was the house that Mr. Ford and his siblings and cousins grew up spending time at...they built memories there and the walls are filled with the stories of a family and a legacy. Even in the garage the walls are literally marked with the growing up of the grandchildren that ran and played and learned and loved there.

In the garage...I so badly wanted to add my children's timeline to this history.

Mr. Ford and I had ourselves written countless pages of our own story in that house. It was where he was living when we met and so many of our early dates were in that house, around Grampa's dinner table - Mr. Ford, Grampa, and I. Even then we dreamed together of maybe someday carrying on our story in that place. So when the opportunity arose to make it a reality, (to be clear, Grampa just couldn't live there independently anymore...he is alive and well!) the dreaming became much more specific. We began to picture bringing our babies home to that front room, with the built-in bookcase that Grampa had built. We pictured our little chicken coop and vegetable garden on the back part of the lot, where Mr. Ford would teach our children all about gardening. We pictured ourselves sitting on the deck under the big oak tree in the front yard, after putting the kids to bed, and remembering where we'd been and dreaming together about where we'd go. I had a whole stock-pile of memories that we had already created there and memories that I had dreamed up there. We were grateful.

Mr. Ford chopping wood in the backyard...taken just weeks after our first date.

It was affectionately referred to as The Ford Ranch. We were thrilled to have the opportunity to breathe new life into it and to carry on the legacy and to continue to write the story of the Ford family within those walls. We believed, and I still do believe, it was not the "blessing" of a house...it was a holy tasking to make that home a safe space for everyone in our lives to love and be loved, unconditionally and unequivocally. We were so excited.

The house needed some love and because of the kind of loan we were getting to give it that love, the process was taking a long time. But we were patient, certain that this was something we were meant to do and that in the end it would all be worth it. We poured blood, sweat, and tears into it and our little tribe of people rallied around us and showed up for us in truly remarkable ways to help us get there. 

Removing wallpaper and the infamous mirror at the end of the hall.

Then four days before we were supposed to close, after months and months of waiting and dreaming and picturing living and dying in that house, we learned there was a problem with the loan, that turned out to be insurmountable. We fought to the very end and did everything we could to not let the dream die, but in the end...there was nothing we could do. We had to walk away from The Ford Ranch.

It was a surreal week, the week surrounding that final decision. Just before we had the conversation that resulted in the resolution, a friend of mine, who knew the situation, texted me that she was praying for God's best for us in the situation, and it reminded me that He really does know better than I do. Mr. Ford and I sat in our car and prayed that same prayer aloud together and asked for quick and clear discernment as to what His best for us, and everyone involved, really was. He certainly answered that one...we knew very quickly that we needed to walk. For the sake of the family, for us, and for Grampa. I won't go into all of the details, but where we once felt confident that we were meant to be in that house, we were now confident that we were not meant to be.

That's a strange flip to make. We really did, and still do, believe that at the time, trying to buy that house was what we were meant to do. And I think that the point was not to actually purchase the house and live in it, but that the whole process was meant to teach us to dream again and to recognize what our true ministry is. The work we knew God was calling us to has not changed...we can do that work anywhere. And we will. But I think that He needed us to walk through this particular moment in our story to really get clarity on what that work is. This was the refining fire meant to prepare us for the mighty things He wants to accomplish through us.

God has loved us so well and so uniquely throughout this process. He has surrounded us with friends and family who have walked through every step with us; who have been excited with us, who have sweat alongside of us, who have prayed with us (I'll never forget the moment my mother was taking down wood paneling in the room that was going to be the nursery for our future babies, praying for them..the ones not yet even knit together, so very loved), who have cried with us, and who have mourned with us. 

We were heartbroken. We stood in that dreamed up nursery one last time, crying together and broken, at the death of that particular dream. We have been mourning that death, and so many others, in this situation, but the people of God in our lives have taken the command to mourn with those who mourn seriously, and we are forever indebted.

But we also know that God is good and He is faithful. He is orchestrating a dream that is so far beyond anything we can imagine and more than anything, I just want to live within the dream He has for us, for our life together. We rest in that and in the comfort of His embrace. We are at great peace, even in our sorrow and mourning.

Grampa in his chair, days before he moved out. So grateful for the time spent with him in that room.

The Ford Ranch is not a house...it is that special place in the hearts and memories of everyone who spent time there and now we take it wherever we go, wherever we are, and wherever we honor the legacy and the stories written together in that home. I'm so grateful to have been allowed to be a player in the story of The Ford Ranch. I take up that mantle, not lightly, but with great passion and great reverence for everything that God has done there and will continue to do. 

Ford family, if you have a memory of The Ford Ranch you'd like to mark, I'd love it if you'd leave a comment here...let's raise this Ebenezer together and remember together. 

Come to the Table

Do y'all remember when I had the opportunity to test a recipe for a new cookbook that was yet-to-be-released?

Well, that book was released TODAY! If you love food, gathering around the table, or encouraging words in book form, Shauna Niequist's new book, Bread & Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table With Recipes, is one you want to pick up.

I was given the incredible opportunity to receive an advanced reader copy to review and holy cow. I've always known Shauna and I were soul sisters, but these words in this book about this topic...blew me away. What I love most about Shauna is that she writes about things that I know to be true deep down in my bones and she puts them out there for me to read and then I know I'm not alone. The world gets a little smaller and a little less scary. Kinda like when you gather around the table.

Ah...the table. I grew up in a home where the table was the center of family life. As an Air Force family, my parents knew how important it was to provide a constant when everything else in our lives was changing every 3 years. The table was that constant. It was where we gathered at the end of hectic days to reconnect, to learn a little more about each other, and to remind one another that whatever else happened that day, you would encounter love and life-giving nourishment for body and soul there. That has carried our family through so many changes and life-moments, I wouldn't even know where to begin. To this day, with my sister and I both grown and living our own lives, when we gather at my parents table we find that same love and life. As Little Sister and I have expanded our lives, the table has expanded as well to include those we bring with us to it. That's always been the case at my parent's table...it was never closed to anyone needing to encounter love and life and nourishment.

I suppose it should come as no surprise then that as I've grown into adulthood and begun to establish my own home that the table would be the center of that home. My life's ministry is to create an environment in which intimacy can flourish wherever I am and, for me, that starts in my home...at my table. It is where I have encountered Jesus most frequently in the last several years...more so than in any church service. I say that because He shows up in the people sitting around the table - in their words, in their ideas, their hopes, and their fears. He speaks truth to me through these people and when I hear their stories, the pain and the joy of their lives, it is quite literally Jesus with skin on sitting there, calling me into real life. He calls me out of my own comfortable world and into their reality and I see the Kingdom begin to come to earth as it is in heaven. The beauty and diversity of it is breath-taking. Jesus Himself sits at my table, in the form of the person He sent me, and we all break bread together and drink wine and REMEMBER. 

Shauna gets all of this. Like, GETS IT, gets it. And she wrote it all down. In a book. And then I got to read it. As I did so, I shouted  "YES!" and "THIS!" and underlined furiously and read aloud passages to Mr. Ford who would, infuriatingly, reply, "Yes, I know. You say that all the time". And I would say, "I KNOW! BUT SHE SAID IT TOO SO THAT MEANS I'M NOT CRAZY!" 

She says:

"What's becoming clearer and clearer to me is the most sacred moments, the ones in which I feel God's presence most profoundly, when I feel the goodness of the world most arrestingly, take place at the table...It's about what happens when we come together, slow down, open our homes, look into one another's faces, listen to one another's stories" (p. 13).

Um. Yeah, Hi! SHE GETS IT! I mean, I could keep going, quoting her, but really you ought to just grab the book for yourself and read these truths. You won't regret it. 

When I was offered the chance to read this advanced copy, I was provided several ideas for ways to engage the book. Since there are recipes throughout, following nearly every essay, they suggested hosting a dinner party and cooking through one of the menus provided at the end of the book. I LOVE a good dinner party, so I thought that was what I wanted to do...invite several people over and make it a picture perfect evening. But as it often does, life got busy. I read the book (okay, devoured it) and loved every word, but things got crazy and I couldn't find a time that would allow me to create the perfect evening I was envisioning. 

I did end up making a pan of Annette's Enchiladas for a couple in our small group that was dealing with some tough family stuff so they wouldn't have to worry about where dinner was coming from. Mr. Ford and I delivered the enchiladas and sat with them for awhile, and we looked into their faces and listened to their story.

We had some other friends over and I did end up making the suggested "Fiesta" menu, mostly because the suggested dessert was a Dark Chocolate Sea Salted Toffee with Vanilla Ice Cream, and I know how much my friend loves salted dark chocolate. That night was so sweet...laughter and conversation and planning with two people that have quickly become confidantes and partners in ministry in countless ways. That time around the table came at the end of a particularly difficult day and brought a great deal of healing to my weary heart and soul. 

I used some of Shauna's tips on quick weeknight cooking and was able to whip up something delightful without too much effort to nourish Mr. Ford and myself after a long day of work for us both.

I made the White Chicken Chili to feed a crowd and the lingering that happened at the end of the night saw new friendships forged.

I made the Mini Mac and Cheese for Ladies Night Out with the women's ministry from our church. I had a total off night in the kitchen that night, wherein I mis-calculated my proportions for doubling the recipe and then dumped half the macaroni all over the floor (Tootles was quite pleased with that particular mishap). Then when I plated them on the serving platter and cut them into quarters to try to make them stretch, I knew that Tom Colicchio and Padma Lakshi would have told me to pack my knives and go on account of the AWFUL presentation (total user error, BTW).

Basically, I've been cooking my way through the book for the last couple of weeks. Every recipe has been, not surprisingly, unbelievably tasty and pretty simple as well. But the most important thing I've learned in all of these adventures in the kitchen, is in large part due to one of Shauna's refrains throughout the book, that it's not a performance and it isn't about perfection. It's about nourishing the people I'm feeding, body and soul. It's about letting go of the need to be Martha Stewart and instead embracing the opportunity to create something with my hands and present it to the people I love as an invitation to holy ground. There we will usher one another into the Kingdom of God simply by sharing the bread and the wine. This is what Shauna says of bread and wine:

"I believe the bread and wine is for all of us, for every person, an invitation to believe, a hand extended from divine to human. I believe it's to be torn and handled, gulped. I believe that we can practice the sacrament of Communion anywhere at all, that a forest clearing can become a church and that any one of us a preist as we bless the bread and wine. And I believe that Jesus asked for us to remember him during the breaking of the bread and the drinking of the wine every time, every meal, every day - no matter where we are, who we are, what we've done" (p. 252)

My heart soars reading those words and my soul settles itself down. I ache to remember Jesus truthfully and in a manner that is holy. When I break bread and drink wine with those I love, I find that I cannot be more truthful or holy than that.

In the final essay of the book, "Come to the Table", Shauna writes: 

"...if you can satiate a person's hunger, you can get a glimpse of their heart....I want you to invest yourself wholly and deeply in friendship, God's greatest evidence of himself here on earth. More than anything, I want you to come to the table. In all sorts of ways, both literally and metaphorically, come to the table" (p 258).

God has called each of us, by name, to His table. Let us now call Him, let us now call others, to our tables and there remember that He is good and He is faithful and that we all have stories to tell.

***

I am grateful that Shauna has written so beautifully to remind us of these truths we already know. If even the tiniest portion of this resonates for you in any way, get your hands on this book. Just reading her words will nourish you. 

Oh, that one word...

God has been so faithful to us this last month. I don't know why I continue to be surprised when He is, because I've never known Him to be anything other than completely faithful. But there it is. I am still human after all.

Within about a 36 hour span of time, in the middle of January, God answered most of the questions we had about our more immediate future. Questions we assumed we'd have the answers to probably in April, May at the latest. God delights in surprising His children, I suppose, because He surprised us by giving us answers and direction and settling some unknowns in order to prepare us for things we would need to focus more of our attention on. All within about 36 hours. This is not a joke.

On a Sunday, we had lunch with the Pastor of our church campus and his wife, and the current Director of Operations for our campus and her husband. It was an informal interview for me to come on staff as the Campus Administrator so the Director of Operations could move into a new role for our campus. By the end of the lunch, it was fairly clear that if I wanted to accept the position, it would be mine. And I knew I wanted to do it. I felt God's call very strongly.

We walked out of the restaurant, got into our car, and Mr. Ford checked his phone and he had a voicemail from his mom. We called her, sitting in the parking lot, and learned that Mr. Ford's Grampa... the one he had moved up to Sacramento to live with for a time, the one with whom we spent a great deal of time in the first year of our dating life...was no longer able to live independently in his home due to his rapidly deteriorating eyesight. It was time to begin the process of moving him into an assisted living near Mr. Ford's parents. This was bittersweet news for us, and I think for most of the family. We knew he would be so much better off, but it was the end of an era and things that had played such an important role in mine and Mr. Ford's story. So we went to visit with him and being WITH Grampa on his new adventure began.

Monday morning, Mr. Ford received word that he had NOT made it through to the next round of the application process for the Foreign Services. We had assumed he would at least make it through this round and if it wasn't going to happen for us this time, we'd find out at the end of the next round, after a nice little trip to DC. In April. We were bummed, but okay. We had already come to a place of peace with either outcome so we allowed ourselves to feel our disappointment for a time and then were prepared to move on. 

That afternoon, not six hours after news of the Foreign Services, Mr. Ford was called into his boss' office and offered a permanent, full-time position at the company he's been contracting with since November. Again, we felt fairly confident that this would come, but not until his contract was up. In April. Are you seeing the hand of God yet? What provision, what care! Mr. Ford's (honest) response was, "Well, I'm not looking for anything else!" :)

On Tuesday, I officially accepted the offer for the position at the church. 

It was crystal clear that God had more for us to do here in Sacramento. Our work for His kingdom here in this city is not yet over. We have not given up on the dream of the Foreign Services...it's just been delayed a bit. We are just grateful to be used by God for His work, wherever that might be.

The beautiful providence of God here is that with so many questions that had been filling so much of our brain space answered, we were able to more fully devote our time and energy to being WITH Grampa during this transitional time for him. Again, God's perfect faithfulness and provision astound me. It was emotionally taxing on us...on the whole family. As these things are.

But the Lord always does you one better. We have been learning to be WITH Grampa and WITH one another, and I continue to learn what it means to mourn WITH those that mourn, and so many other ways to be WITH people. But God has revealed to us that perhaps what He wants to teach us through our OneWord for 2013 is that what we really need is to learn to allow others to be WITH us as well. 

The Lord has provided us with such an incredible community of faithful friends here. And I'm realizing this lesson of allowing others to be WITH us, is one more reason He has decided to keep us here for now. To learn to lean into that truth. To let our people, our tribe, be WITH us.

Our tribe has been amazing.

They have offered countless words of encouragement and prayers sent via text and Facebook.

They have pushed us to follow where we feel God leading us, sitting at a table in a dessert diner in downtown Sacramento on a Friday night.

They have offered hugs and an ear.

 They have stepped into our weaknesses and been willing to take things off our plates because they just know. They have sensed we need the help and they came riding in on grace and they have been WITH us. 

The faithfulness of His people have been His faithfulness to us. 

This word...WITH...it is is so much more than a word. It is a way of life and of faith. It is how the Kingdom of God comes to earth, as it is in heaven. 

And it's only February. Hang on, Mr. Ford...it's gonna be a wild year. 

WITH

I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I don't really know why...the idea just never resonated with me. Lately though, I've been hearing of a movement that has really resonated. The OneWord movement? Have you heard of this?

Basically, you choose one word that will serve as a guide post for the rest of your year and open yourself up to allowing God to define, explore, and reveal the multitude of meanings for that word in your life. It makes so much sense to me as it's easy to remember and free from the guilt and shame that failure to follow through on a resolution can bring. 

It's hard to choose the right word, because I want it to be a Spirit-led decision. As I've thought about it and prayed about it over the last week or so though, one word kept rising to the surface and I have a great sense of expectation about this word and this year. 

Mr. Ford and I will experience a lot of change and shifting in 2013. There are several answers that will be provided to us this year that we've been waiting for and those answers will determine a lot about the path our life together will take. We are ready and eager for whatever answers God gives us. We have spent a lot of time praying and talking and coming to a place of absolute contentment and trust in whatever the Lord brings us. Knowing this, in large part, has led me to my word for 2013, because I think it is how the Holy Spirit wants to guide me through these answers.

My OneWord for 2013 is WITH.

I just finished reading Radical Hospitality (um, game changer) and I am bowled over by the difficult simplicity of the true heart of hospitality. It is basically about just being present. To be WITH people, to walk WITH them. In their pain, in their suffering, in their joy, in their difficult-to-love states. To look them in the eye and say "I am WITH you now, in this moment, regardless of where or what else I could or 'should' be doing". That repositioning and re-posturing is simple, yet profound. I want to be intentional about being WITH people this year.

I want to be WITH God this year. To be WITH Him in His word and in prayer and in my eucharisteo. 

I want to be WITH my husband this year and in all that God is sure to bring our way in 2013.

WITH my church as we grow and expand.

WITH my friends in deeper and truer ways.

WITH my family in new and more intentional ways.

I want to walk through my days WITH gratitude.

WITH grace.

WITH wonder.

WITH joy.

WITH tenderness and gentleness and mercy.

WITH expectation and trust.

WITH certainty in the hope and promise of God's faithfulness.

WITH a spirit of learning and a heart of giving.

WITH the sole purpose of being grace to all I encounter.

This word, WITH, is a powerful and profound preposition. It bolsters the action verb and is active, even in it's passivity. I don't claim to have a full understanding of the preposition now, but my prayer and my expectation is that God will use it to affirm what I already know, shake up what I think I know, and reveal what I do not know about the meaning of the word WITH. 

And so I enter 2013 WITH a guiding word and a guiding principle and WITH great expectation and excitement. 

Let's do this.

A Splintered Flash of Grace

Image source

Regarding experience and what it means for hospitality, from the book Radical Hospitality, by Lonni Collins Pratt:

Letting ourselves believe that our experience constitutes normality and that other ways of doing life are abnormal is delusional and dangerous (pg 105).

and later:

When we hold tightly to a worldview in which our experience is at the center, we live small lives. If we don't consider the ramifications of such a life we can easily slip into suspicion, misunderstanding, and prejudice of strangers -- those who do not meet our standard of 'normal' (pg.111).

God has been repeating this truth to me over and over, clear as day, lately. I don't know that I've ever heard Him so clearly on anything before. Well, except for when He assured me that He would mold Mr. Ford into the man that would become my husband. He is faithful!

But what these quotes reflect, and what I have been discovering from other conversations, things I've read, and time seeking God on the true meaning of hospitality, is that we MUST be open to hearing the stories and the experiences of "the other". (No, not "The Others", from "The Island"...calm down LOST fanatics.) But "the other", meaning anyone who is not you. No two experiences are the same and that is as it should be. But we cannot fall into the trap of believing that OUR experience is the correct one or the normal one. When we do that, we cut off our ability to fully, deeply, and truly love. We must dare to believe that "the other's" experience -- their story -- has something to teach us; that by opening up to those stories, we are in essence opening ourselves up to the Grand Story that God is telling through each individual person and that He has been telling from the beginning of time.

That's not to say that it is easy. It's a HARD thing. There is a sense of security in believing that everyone else's experiences are, or ought to be, like mine. But it is a false sense of security. Allowing other's experiences to be valid, rather than invalidating them by calling them "abnormal", is scandalous, actually. It opens us up to a greater capacity to be hurt, to be taken advantage of, to be walked on. It is grace. But what you discover as you slowly, tiny piece by tiny piece, begin to allow other's into your heart, your life and to really let them feel about a situation however they feel about it (rather than imposing how YOU would feel about that situation on THEM) is a thin place. Holiness begins to seep through the cracks and explode you wide open. I am beginning to experience these moments, here and there. They are glimpses of the Holy. And I find myself feeling, in those moments, more compassion, less anger, and the beginnings of a deeper understanding of the love that I think 1 Corinthians 13 is really speaking of.

Pratt says it so eloquently, so beautifully:

You will be tucking a child into bed, or pouring a second cup of coffee for you neighbor, or sharing a breadstick with your friend. You will be trying to know what is holy in us all and wondering how to be known by the Holy. You will have read a few books and maybe taken a workshop. You will have spent some time with people reputed to be experts on the subject of hospitality. You will wing it more often than not.

And then that splinter of light will get through the great mysterious confusion, who knows when or where or why, and grace will sneak up on you and you will know, if only for a splintered flash of a second, you will know that your trying is making a difference and your trying is enough (pp. 125-126).

Oh, that I might never stop trying, if only for those splintered flashes! 

 

Adventures and Expectations

Image Source

September has begun and has brought with it a mental shift to all things Fall. To be sure, I'm dreaming of oranges, reds, and yellows, burlap, all things pumpkin flavored, and I've already begun planning my menu for my very first Thanksgiving as hostess! (I know, I know, but I'm excited, okay? It's like a rite of passage as a housewife, for me.) 

But September has also ushered in a heavy sense of expectation. Not heavy, like, "Whoa, dude...that's heavy". But more like SO much expectation that it's...heavy. Like the only response is to turn my hands palms up, ready to receive whatever it is the Lord wants to place there. I have this feeling that He has some pretty rad adventures lying in wait for us and there is nothing I love more than adventuring with Mr. Ford. I feel like He probably has some brutiful moments to hand us...the kind where the brutal and the beautiful collide and there you find Him and His love in their rawest and purest forms. I'm fairly certain that He has some big changes coming our way, changes that we may not fully come to realize for awhile yet, but they will be set in motion this Fall. I just have a sense of great things to come and I'm ready for them.

We celebrate our first anniversary this month. Maybe that has something to do with it. When we got married, we committed to one another to spend our first year focusing on this fledgling, delicate, new thing we had just given birth to. It was probably the best thing we could have done for ourselves, not taking on any new commitments outside of the single most important one we'd just made. A lot happened in our first year and the Lord was so good to us to know what was coming and gave us the right people at the right time to counsel us to make this commitment. There were many storms that raged around us during that first year, external circumstances that caused us to move closer to one another and to the Lord, in a way that I don't think would have been possible had we not made the commitment to take that year to be wholly present with one another. And I think we are both feeling greatly strengthened and refreshed and like we know who we are as a team and ready to move forward into the dreams that the Lord has given us for our lives and our marriage. We know who we are, individually and as a couple, we have a good sense of the purpose God has breathed into our marriage, and we are ready to walk into it. The Fall has been a starting point for everything in our life together...our first date, our wedding, and now...well. The rest of our life together! 

I've taken claim to these lyrics of a popular worship song:

"I see a generation rising up to take their place with selfless faith. I see a near revival, stirring as we pray and seek. We're on our knees."

I truly believe that Mr. Ford and I are on the front lines of that generation. At least, that's our heart's desire, one that I know comes from the Lord Himself. We are on our knees, hands open, praying and seeking, as this Fall begins. We are eager and willing to take our place and to accept whatever brutiful adventures on which our Jesus wants to send us. 

Basement Dwelling

Y'all, I've moved to the basement. 

I've watched all this Chick-Fil-A mess unfold in recent days with an ever-increasing heart-sickness and it came to an incredibly noisy din yesterday that left me utterly heart-broken. 

But then I found a light in all of it, a quietness that gave me hope. This blog post:

In the Basement

followed by this one yesterday:

The Basement Manifesto

And I joined her in the basement.

I beg you to read these. And to consider them in your hearts. Then, if you want to sit and have coffee with me, and weather the storm, and try to find a way to calm the storm, and find a way to help those battered by the storm, come down and join us basement-dwellers. We've got our work cut out for us.

In the meantime, basement-dwelling husband and I are headed to Santa Maria for the weekend. This weekend getaway could not have come at a better time. 

Love and peace to you all.

PS - Incidentally, the author of the Basement Manifestos graduated from my own alma mater. God Bless OBU. 

Showing Up

Graphic via here

I must beg forgiveness for my lack of showing up here.

Which is ironic because God has been stretching me much farther than ever before in certain areas and He's been teaching me that no matter what, no matter how hard (or easy) it may be, you must always show up...show up for yourself and show up for the people in your life. 

I don't ever want to stop showing up for the people I love. I want them to know they can count on me. 

But sometimes I am literally at the end of my ability to do so; at the end of my grace bucket and I have stretched the rope it is attached to as far as I can possibly stretch it to reach those who need me to show up and I simply cannot do it. 

This is where the brutal/beautiful - or "brutiful" as my friend (by which I mean blogger I follow on whom I have a total friend crush), Glennon, over at Momastery says - work of God in my life takes over. When I get to the bottom of that bucket that's at the end of that rope, it leaves me no choice but to allow God not to just fill up the bucket, but to literally continue to pour out the grace from that - what my faulty, sinful, human eyes can only see as empty - bucket and to extend the rope as far as it needs to go to reach whoever it is that needs reaching. The only requirement of me is to show up.

And so I'll continue to show up. And I'll continue to let God stretch me and pour out His grace through me and my bucket...even when it's empty. It's not always going to look perfect. I've realized, it's often going to be brutiful. But God doesn't ask us to be perfect vessels through which to work. All He asks of us is to show up with our vessel...no matter how empty, ugly, cracked, or messy it might be.

And if I fail to show up for you or if it looks a little messy when I do...just know I'm trying. Forgive me when I fail because showing up is a hard thing. But as one of my dear mommas, Momma D, who knows a thing or two about hard things, reminded me, "I CAN do ALL things through Christ Jesus". Even the hard things. Like showing up. Even THAT I have to let Him do through me...He shows up through me. There's no two ways around it. The only way to make it in this life is to realize and embrace the fact that you must WHOLLY and COMPLETELY rely on God for EVERY possible move you make. And THAT is truly brutiful.

We - God and me and you - can do hard things. (Another Momastery mantra.)

PS - We had a whole lot of celebrations going on last weekend and I promise to show up tomorrow to tell you all about them! ;)

Napa Weekend

Wine country is just gorgeous. I love my state...it is so diverse in it's topography and I just adore that about it. Wine country is certainly no let down. My pictures don't do it justice. If you ever have the opportunity, go! Even if you don't drink wine...

We had a wonderful time at the Marriage Retreat in Napa. The whole weekend we kept saying to each other, "We're in Napa...weird". Neither of us had ever been there, so it was such a treat for our first visit be together. There are few things I love more than experiencing new places and things with my husband. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling 100% on Sunday when we were going to stick around and visit some wineries, so we didn't get to enjoy that part of Napa quite as much as we would have liked (I know, totally lame), but I DID enjoy some wine at dinner on Saturday. More on that in a moment.

The retreat itself was a great opportunity for us to get away and just be together, focusing on our marriage and gaining tools to help us as we move forward. We take this thing very seriously and are always hungry for ways to help us protect our marriage against all that this world wants to throw at us to destroy it. We came away with several nuggets of wisdom, but one of my favorites was this idea that conflict in marriage needs a re-framing...rather than thinking of it as me vs. you, think of it as us vs. the problem. You are on the same team in your marriage...don't fall prey to the lies of the enemy that you are fighting one another. Fight the problem TOGETHER. Seems obvious enough, but it's so easy to forget that...stay on guard and be vigilant to protect against the insidious lie that you are alone in whatever issues arise. You are a TEAM. And you have to protect that team at all costs. Good stuff.

A few other wisdom nuggets:

- Often, the thing that irritates you most about your spouse is the thing that you need the most. The example that the speakers gave was that in the early days of their marriage and their work in ministry, he would go full steam ahead and spend a lot of time outside of the home working to advance the Kingdom (not in and of itself a bad thing) and she would be bothered that he wasn't home very often. One day as he was venting to God about how she was slowing him and the Kingdom work down, God smacked him and said, "If it weren't for her 'slowing you down' you'd already be burned out". I thought that was awesome...whenever I get really irritated by something that Mr. Ford does/doesn't do, I'm going to start thinking about it in terms of what God could be telling me it is that I need. Isn't it amazing how the Lord knows just exactly what we need and gives us people (oftentimes our spouse) to provide that thing? He orchestrates every detail...

- Here's a pithy one, but underneath the pithiness, it's just beautiful: The look of her dreams is far more important than the look of her jeans. AND Be less concerned with what he is earning than with what he is learning. In other words, fall in love with their dreams and they will ALWAYS be the most attractive person in the world to you; fall in love with how they are growing and the ebb and flow of life will be a much easier ride. Beautiful, no?

Psyched for our date night.

And the most useful tool we came away with was what they called The Dream Spouse List, meant to help communicate expectations. Basically, you ask your spouse what the 5 things you could do that would make you their absolute perfect dream spouse and then rate them and weight (out of 100%) them in priority order. And then share the lists with one another and begin working on those items. The trick though is to re-evaluate every quarter or anytime there is a major life change, because as you begin intentionally doing the things on the list, other things may come up. You can take some items off, or leave them on, even if your spouse is doing really well with those, just as a reminder that "this is really important to me and you're doing a great job with it, but keep it up". The other thing is grace...if it's not on the list, offer grace to let those things slide. That thing doesn't matter...yet. Add it to the list the next time you re-evaluate, but don't hold them accountable for it if it's not one the list. 

I think ultimately, in all things, grace must abound. That's the gospel after all, and as far as I can tell, marriage is meant to be a mirror of the gospel to your spouse. Cover yourself and your spouse and your marriage in grace and the Lord will bless it. Grace, grace, and more grace.

Aside from the marriage wisdom nuggets, we met some younger couples that we are hopeful can blossom into deeper friendships and we also had the opportunity to reconnect with some old friends which we are hopeful will lead to another mentoring relationship. We also had the opportunity to have a nice date night out which was probably my very favorite part of the weekend. 

Mr. Ford and I have always loved going out to eat and we are huge foodies. Some of our earliest dates were 3 hour long dinners where we took our time, slowly enjoying each course and talking. Oh, the talking. It's been awhile since we've been able to do that, so it was such a joy to intentionally spend literally hours over dinner and drinks and conversation with one another. I never tire of hearing Mr. Ford's thoughts and it means the world to me that he is so intentional in making sure I know he feels the same about me. We learned new things about each other, encouraged one another, and reconnected on our vision for our life together. What a gift to be married to a man who desires to partner with me in my life calling and I with his...that our life callings seem to match up and fit together so perfectly. It's like Someone knew what they were doing when they brought us together.

My plate was a work of art.

And the food was spectacular...as was the wine. Only in Napa can you have wine on tap. Yes, my Riesling was a blend that the sommelier of the restaurant created himself and was stored in the barrel on the premises and poured straight from the barrel. Don't tell me Jesus doesn't love me...holy cow, that was some good stuff and it went so well with my snapper and Chardonnay mussel emulsion. Shut. Up. Amen, thank you Jesus! And Mr. Ford's Zinfindel and pork chops with a whiskey apple mustard sauce was nothing to pooh-pooh either. We left fat and happy. :)

So many gifts in our lives...we are consistently humbled and amazed by the Lord's goodness to us and we were reminded yet again of His faithfulness this weekend. 

Cry Baby

Can we talk about crying?

I don't know about you, but I have always been a crier. I cry at EVERYthing. Happy, sad, neutral...I cry. It doesn't take much. For most of my life, I was led to believe (and I internalized it) that this meant I was "too sensitive" and I needed to toughen up. That's just the general attitude of society...not blaming anyone in particular here...that's just how it is. As a result of internalizing that, I've felt like a wimpy little failure a lot of the time. Angry at myself that I couldn't just make myself have a thicker skin. And if you identify as a crier, you probably know what I'm talking about.

But what if by wanting to change that, I was rejecting the unique gift that God quilted into my soul?

What if my urges to cry were actually promptings and whisperings of the Holy Spirit?

What if by trying to suppress my tears, I wasn't just burning my eyes, but also my spirit and grieving the Spirit of God?

When Mr. Ford and I were going through our pre-marital counseling, we talked a lot about certain things that grieve my heart. Keith, our pastor, looked directly at me, bore into my soul, and said with a fierceness I knew meant I should heed this counsel, "Give expression to those emotions". I nodded and immediately tears came. And he saw this and urged, "Give expression to it, dear one. Give expression to it no matter where you are or who you are with."

Slowly, over the last eight or nine months, that has begun to internalize...and replace the 25 years of internalization that crying was bad and that I needed to stop being so sensitive. (Have you ever noticed how much disdain that phrase carries when it is uttered? It's so demeaning.) But it hasn't been until the last month or so that I have really begun to grasp the full weight of what it means to give expression to those whispers.

It has completely turned my perspective on life on it's head. My life in particular.

Here's the thing. One of my spiritual gifts is discernment. On every gifts test I have ever taken in my 26 years in church, I have scored very high in discernment. And I see it in my everyday life. And I realized, again with the help of Keith, that these emotions are promptings from the Holy Spirit that there is a wound or a need or some brokenness in my presence. And this grieves my spirit. And so I cry. I weep. It is my soul giving expression to the groanings that are too deep for words. This is worthy. It is NOT shameful. And from this point forward, I refuse to accept that attitude from any source.

When I cry, when I give expression to these groanings, I am interceding on behalf of those who are too broken to do so for themselves...it is my worthy and holy calling that the Creator God gave me, Ashley Ford, to help heal the broken and do kingdom work. And even, sometimes, it is the only way to intercede on my own behalf. When words fail me, my spirit groans, and my tears are my prayers. And the Father hears these prayers...oh, how He hears them. And He loves them.

This may seem small...but it is the small things that make up the whole. And in that, they are not small. This privilege is, for me, everything. It is my life's work. More than being a wife or, God willing, someday a mother. This calling informs those callings. And I am blessed by this. It has changed everything for me.

Why do I share this with you?

In hopes that if you, like me, are a "crier", you will be encouraged. That you will find purpose and worthiness in that crying. That you will, from this day forward, give expression to it. And every emotion. Laughter holds the same weighty worthiness. Do not run from it. Do not suppress it. It is the very Spirit of God moving in you and whispering to your heart, "Here is the work I have prepared for you." Do not ignore that. And do not allow the lies of the world, even if they are coming from an otherwise trustworthy source, to convince you that this is a weakness and to shame you into not expressing what God has placed in your heart.

This is a divine imperative, which has more weight than any worldly imperative, familial imperative, or even "churchy" imperative. It is my response to my Savior and ultimately, isn't that what this Christ-follower life is about? Responding? A response to what He did for us at Calvary and to His resurrection and to the way He moves in our lives and in our world.

Often, I respond by weeping. And the Lord smiles and says, "Well done, good and faithful servant".

 How do you respond?