Milo Andrew - A Birth Story, Part 2

My little Lost Boy

Read Part 1 of our birth story. Even more words in Part 2...you've been warned.

It was time to push and only half of the birth team was there. You were coming so fast, love, that Mama & Papa weren't sure Jamie, Fawn's apprentice midwife, was going to make it in time. There wasn't a lot to be done about that though...you were coming with or without her.

Fawn asked Mama to move from her position on the bed on all fours to lay on her left side and try pushing like that. Mama moved into position and when the first contraction came she bore down and felt you starting to come down. Papa was right there, holding Mama's hand, in her ear encouraging her and vocalizing his belief in her ability to do this. You and Mama and Papa worked together in this position for about 10-15 minutes, before Mama decided it was no longer comfortable. So she moved to a sitting/half-reclining position and this was how you were ultimately born.

At some point during the pushing, Jamie arrived. Everyone was relieved and so happy she had made it; Mama and Papa wanted their team there! 

Mama's water had still not broken at that point and (thankfully) Fawn never even suggested breaking it. Clearly, that didn't need to happen because labor was progressing so quickly. The midwives and Papa could see the bag of waters bulging out every time Mama pushed, which was a trip, according to Papa. Fawn and Jamie knew that when it did break it was going to make quite a mess, so they were prepared with PLENTY of chux pads. About halfway through pushing (which lasted a total of 1 hr 15 min...in large part because the bag of waters was acting as an airbag for you and your big head), Mama felt (and heard) a giant POP! and yelped as the water gushed. Fawn, Jamie, and Papa all jumped back. Everyone laughed (in the middle of pushing, can you believe it?!) and knew that things would pick up at this point. Mama later described the water breaking as a Super Soaker spraying out from...well, down there (again, apologies for the embarrassment, but it's part of the story). 

Mama continued to work hard to get your big 14" head out. About 7 minutes before you were born, Fawn listened to your heart-tones and found that they had dropped quite a bit and were not coming back up. Mama had to get you out right away. So for 7 straight minutes she pushed with all her might to bring you into the world. There was a moment where she felt she couldn't possibly keep pushing (not because of the pain, but the stamina it required to push for 7 min straight) but your Papa was right there, with absolute faith in her ability to do it and he wouldn't let her give her up. Fawn and Jamie were also so encouraging and worked to help Mama get you out. 

At 8:02 AM, you emerged and Mama and Papa heard your sweet, plaintive cry for the first time. Fawn brought you up to Mama's chest and Mama was just in awe of you, sweet boy. She laughed and cried and Papa also cried. Mama and Papa spent the next 20 minutes in a cocoon of wonder while they got to know you and fell in love with you. You were perfect. Beautiful. Unbearably sweet. And HERE. You had finally arrived. Mama and Papa had waited for you for so long and they could hardly believe that you were actually in their arms. 

Twenty minutes later, Mama delivered the placenta and Papa cut the umbilical cord, which was quite long. They were in a haze of love and peace. Everything was quiet and Fawn and Jamie just went about their business and mostly left you with your Mama and Papa to get to know one another in peace. The Ford family of three were given their space to process and be together. It was beautiful and exactly what your Mama and Papa had longed for when bringing you into their world. They are so grateful to have been given that gift, one they do not take for granted.

After about an hour, Fawn and Jamie came back in to weigh you and measure you and take all your other vitals. You were a hefty 8 lbs 12 oz, according to their fish scale (ha! Later that day we had you weighed on a real scale by a lactation consultant who said you were 8 lbs 8 oz. That is your "official" birth weight, but there will always be a bit of a debate on that. ;) and 21 1/4 inches long, with an APGAR score of 9. Just so perfect. This was about the time we finally decided on your name, Milo Andrew. 

The midwives then stitched Mama up (she had some very light tearing, from that big ole head of yours) while you and Papa spent some time bonding skin-to-skin. It was still so quiet and peaceful. When that was finished, they gave Mama some tips to get started nursing, but you were not terribly interested. You just wanted to sleep. You were so tired from your journey. (You and Mama continued to struggle with nursing for the next week and a half, even with the help of Fawn and the lactation consultant and the pediatrician, but this is a story for another time.)

When the midwives were done with all of that, they cleaned up and packed up their supplies and left you and Mama and Papa alone together to continue to get to know each other, with the promise to return the next day to check in. And just like that the Fords were no longer two, but three.

//

Some reflections:

Those last 7 minutes of pushing were experienced quite differently by Mr. Ford and I. Leading up to our due date, Fawn had encouraged me as we talked about what to do should we need to transport to the hospital, to just focus in on my body and my job, which was to continue to breathe and work through each contraction and to let her worry about everything else. So, when she said we needed to get Milo out now, I just went into that mode. I focused on what I needed to do which was push. I wasn't worried at all. I had absolute faith in my midwives and trusted them entirely to make the right call. And in return my whole support team had faith in me and my body to get the job done. The level of trust and belief in one another in that room in those moments was something unlike I've experienced very often. I knew we were all going to be just fine. 

Mr. Ford told me a few days after Milo was born as we were continuing to process the birth experience together, that in those moments, he was scared. He trusted Fawn, but I think he had a better idea of the urgency that was behind her words when she said "We gotta get him out now". We have since decided, after processing together and also debriefing with Fawn at one of our follow-up appointments, that it was good for him to have that sense of urgency because it spurred him to give me the encouragement and final nudge I needed to bring our baby into the world. 

And here's why this moment actually reinforces my belief in home birth, rather than scares me off of it: I think that had we been in a hospital, my water would have been broken for me even, though it was entirely unnecessary. More than that though, I really believe we would have ended up with a vacuum extraction or forceps intervention...or worse. None of these things were necessary and my midwife knew that. She knew that I, my body, and my determination was strong enough to get him out and she knew that we were not in a crisis situation. What was happening, though not necessarily normal, is not an uncommon occurrence in childbirth. She knew what she was doing and because of the relationship we had built throughout pregnancy, she knew I could do it. And she knew that Andrew would encourage me through it, so she and Jamie could focus and do what they are trained to do. To be frank, I felt safer and more confident being at home than I think I would have in a hospital. 

I have lots more to say on midwifery care and home birth and why we chose it as the right thing for our family, but that warrants its own blog post (and I promise that will come soon). I will say though, that it is not for everyone, and that is more than okay. More than that though I recognize that the fact that we even had the option of a home birth is a result of a great amount of societal privilege. It's a disparity that I would love to see remedied...I would love to see more women and families even have the ability to choose a home birth. As Jamie said in one of our birth classes, I am an advocate for home birth, but more than that I'm an advocate for women being empowered to make the informed choice for themselves.

Ultimately, our birth experience was just what we had dreamed of and hoped for. We are acutely aware of the reality that this was not guaranteed to us and that not every family is afforded that same opportunity...Milo's birth stands in stark contrast to that truth in a very real and raw way. We do not take the gift of his birth for granted. 

That moment in our bedroom, in the early morning quiet, when our two became three was a thin place where the veil of heaven was lifted and we glimpsed the holy. In that moment I physically FELT and knew in my bones and in the rawness of my body the core truth of my faith: resurrection. It is imprinted on my soul, my heart, and my story. I am forever changed. I'll be peeling back the layers of how my body embodied resurrection in a deeply human way for a long time to come. 

In childbirth, I was given the gift of being fully present in my womanhood and I came out the other side more completely inhabiting this body and the beauty of my womanhood. In this way, I also more viscerally understand the incarnation of Christ in a human body and in the motherly nature of God. In childbirth God has affirmed my identity as a woman and that my personhood as a woman has something to teach the world about God's character and God's nature. I can only assume that Motherhood waits to teach me ever so much more about those truths and so many others. I am changed on a soul-DNA level.

//

Milo, you are loved and you are enough and you are loved you are loved you are loved. So deeply and truly loved. To the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.

Milo Andrew - A Birth Story, Part 1

Warning: SO many words ahead. 

Darling boy. 

Finally, finally you're here. 

From the moment they placed you on my chest our world and our hearts cracked wide open to welcome you in; to share in this little life we have built. It's a simple life, but it's ours and it's beautiful. And now that you're here, it's a more complete life. 

Will you let me tell you a story, baby doll? The story of your entrance into our world? I'll try not to embarrass you...

First family selfie

During our 39th week together, Mama started to get really anxious to meet you. She knew she needed to be patient and let you decide on your own when you were ready, but that's not to say she didn't do a few things to encourage you. She started walking more, swimming at Mamie and Papi's house (they bought a house with a pool in anticipation of you, darling. They, and Papa, can't wait till your big enough to play in it), and taking Evening Primrose Oil. Several days passed with no sign of your pending arrival. 

At 39 weeks, 6 days Mama and Papa had a great dinner at Mamie and Papi's house and watched a few episodes of Jen Hatmaker's reality show on HGTV. Mama started to feel really tired and uncomfortable so they decided to head back home. When they got home, they got distracted by a puzzle they had started earlier in the day to pass the time till you came (your parents are super cool people). Mama was increasingly more uncomfortable as they sat there and worked on the puzzle, but it never crossed her mind that it could have been the first signs you were on your way. She's still not sure if that's what it was. Finally, they decided to go to bed.

At 1:57 AM, Mama jolted awake with what she was 85% sure was a no kidding contraction. It felt like a really bad menstrual cramp (I realize that will never mean anything to you and probably just embarrass you, but there it is. It's part of the story.) She got up to go to the bathroom and then waited to see if it would happen again. About 10 minutes later, sure enough, another contraction. She waited through a few more contractions, which were about 10-15 min apart, over the course of an hour. At about 3 AM, she woke Papa up to let him know that you were coming to greet us. They called their midwife, Fawn, to let her know labor had started and to make sure that the light bleeding Mama was having was normal. (It was.) She told us to try to go back to sleep which Papa thought was a great idea. Mama knew that was not gonna happen. 

What you can't see is that this is a cat puzzle...
I think we thought we were being clever as we are NOT cat people.

It wasn't long before she realized that this was happening and happening quickly. You were not wasting any time in finding your way to us. Mama woke Papa up again and let him know that he needed to start to prepare the bed. He also started timing the contractions.

I suppose I should interject here that you were born at home. More on the whys of that choice at another time.

Mama spent the next hour and a half laboring quietly and peacefully, in the dim lights of her bedroom. The only position that was really comfortable for her was bent over the edge of the bed, swaying and breathing through the contractions. Occasionally, she would lean on Papa's chest and they would slow dance. Papa was the most amazing coach and partner. He was right there for every contraction, rubbing Mama's back and encouraging her through each one. Between each contraction, he rushed around to prepare the bed, and he did his best to get the birth tub ready. They soon realized they would not have time to make use of the birth tub. 

Fawn and her apprentice, Jamie, had told Mama and Papa that when contractions had been consistently 4 minutes apart for an hour, that was when they should call to have them come. By the time the contractions were consistent for an hour, they were 3 minutes apart, so at about 5:15 AM Papa called Fawn to let her know that contractions were 3 minutes apart and she should probably come. Fawn sounded a bit skeptical that Mama was already that far along, but she said she would come. Fawn arrived about 5:45-6 AM and she checked Mama to see how far along she really was. Everyone was surprised to find out that she was already fully dilated after about 4 hours of laboring! Fawn asked Mama if she was ready to push to which Mama replied "Not yet!" She needed time to process that this had happened so quickly and mentally prepare to push and meet you. After about another 30 minutes, it was time to push and help you make your entrance into this big, scary, and wonderful world.

//

Just a few reflections on the story up to this point (part 2 to come later in the week).

We spent MONTHS in pregnancy preparing for what we were expecting to be a 24 hr/30 hr/LONG labor. Everything we read and everyone we talked to said that for first time moms, this was normal. We took a Bradley Method course to learn and practice techniques to get us through the long labor successfully as a team. Everything we do in life is a team effort, from the mundane things to the major life moments, so Bradley was tailor-made for us. Mr. Ford dove into the role of support head first. He amazed me all through pregnancy at how involved and curious he was about the whole birth process and the role he could play in helping the birth of our child be the successful, natural, intervention-free home birth we desired. I fell more in love with him in pregnancy as he sought to serve his growing family in this way, and we drew closer together than ever before. 

So when labor actually started and progressed as quickly it did, we were surprised, to say the least. We ended up not needing most of what we had learned and practiced and only used a fraction of the birth kit we had assembled. It certainly helped to be so prepared, though, because it felt as though we were just trying to mentally keep up with what my body was doing. Being so prepared allowed us to just default to what we had practiced without having to think about it too much. 

Catastrophically happy.

It all felt very dreamlike and surreal, as it all started in the middle of the night and I felt very outside of myself the whole time. The contractions were certainly difficult, but again, I had prepared for something much more painful and HARD, so it was strange to me to not be too phased by them. It's hard to describe without sounding nonchalant and dismissive of the very real difficulty of laboring through contractions, which I certainly felt. It just...I don't know...felt NATURAL for me to be experiencing these labor pains. I don't know if it was because I was just trying to mentally keep up with what my body was physically doing that I didn't have time to really FEEL the pain, or what it was; it just felt as though I was always meant to DO this thing. I was so ready and it just felt...natural. Yes. That's the best way to describe it, I think. I felt peaceful and in control and capable and strong. Frankly, I FELT the truth that God has embedded on my heart and in my soul that I AM a Woman of Valor. There are just not sufficient words to explain it and I feel as though I'm grasping at them now, so I'll just leave it be. 

Stay tuned for Part 2. 

The Ford Ranch

It's taken me awhile to process enough to be able to write about this...but I need to. I need to mark it, to raise an Ebenezer, to remember, because it's a moment in our lives together that God is using and will continue to use to grow us.

Since about March or April, Mr. Ford and I had been in the process of purchasing the home that his Grampa Ford had lived in for nearly 40 years. It was the house that Mr. Ford and his siblings and cousins grew up spending time at...they built memories there and the walls are filled with the stories of a family and a legacy. Even in the garage the walls are literally marked with the growing up of the grandchildren that ran and played and learned and loved there.

In the garage...I so badly wanted to add my children's timeline to this history.

Mr. Ford and I had ourselves written countless pages of our own story in that house. It was where he was living when we met and so many of our early dates were in that house, around Grampa's dinner table - Mr. Ford, Grampa, and I. Even then we dreamed together of maybe someday carrying on our story in that place. So when the opportunity arose to make it a reality, (to be clear, Grampa just couldn't live there independently anymore...he is alive and well!) the dreaming became much more specific. We began to picture bringing our babies home to that front room, with the built-in bookcase that Grampa had built. We pictured our little chicken coop and vegetable garden on the back part of the lot, where Mr. Ford would teach our children all about gardening. We pictured ourselves sitting on the deck under the big oak tree in the front yard, after putting the kids to bed, and remembering where we'd been and dreaming together about where we'd go. I had a whole stock-pile of memories that we had already created there and memories that I had dreamed up there. We were grateful.

Mr. Ford chopping wood in the backyard...taken just weeks after our first date.

It was affectionately referred to as The Ford Ranch. We were thrilled to have the opportunity to breathe new life into it and to carry on the legacy and to continue to write the story of the Ford family within those walls. We believed, and I still do believe, it was not the "blessing" of a house...it was a holy tasking to make that home a safe space for everyone in our lives to love and be loved, unconditionally and unequivocally. We were so excited.

The house needed some love and because of the kind of loan we were getting to give it that love, the process was taking a long time. But we were patient, certain that this was something we were meant to do and that in the end it would all be worth it. We poured blood, sweat, and tears into it and our little tribe of people rallied around us and showed up for us in truly remarkable ways to help us get there. 

Removing wallpaper and the infamous mirror at the end of the hall.

Then four days before we were supposed to close, after months and months of waiting and dreaming and picturing living and dying in that house, we learned there was a problem with the loan, that turned out to be insurmountable. We fought to the very end and did everything we could to not let the dream die, but in the end...there was nothing we could do. We had to walk away from The Ford Ranch.

It was a surreal week, the week surrounding that final decision. Just before we had the conversation that resulted in the resolution, a friend of mine, who knew the situation, texted me that she was praying for God's best for us in the situation, and it reminded me that He really does know better than I do. Mr. Ford and I sat in our car and prayed that same prayer aloud together and asked for quick and clear discernment as to what His best for us, and everyone involved, really was. He certainly answered that one...we knew very quickly that we needed to walk. For the sake of the family, for us, and for Grampa. I won't go into all of the details, but where we once felt confident that we were meant to be in that house, we were now confident that we were not meant to be.

That's a strange flip to make. We really did, and still do, believe that at the time, trying to buy that house was what we were meant to do. And I think that the point was not to actually purchase the house and live in it, but that the whole process was meant to teach us to dream again and to recognize what our true ministry is. The work we knew God was calling us to has not changed...we can do that work anywhere. And we will. But I think that He needed us to walk through this particular moment in our story to really get clarity on what that work is. This was the refining fire meant to prepare us for the mighty things He wants to accomplish through us.

God has loved us so well and so uniquely throughout this process. He has surrounded us with friends and family who have walked through every step with us; who have been excited with us, who have sweat alongside of us, who have prayed with us (I'll never forget the moment my mother was taking down wood paneling in the room that was going to be the nursery for our future babies, praying for them..the ones not yet even knit together, so very loved), who have cried with us, and who have mourned with us. 

We were heartbroken. We stood in that dreamed up nursery one last time, crying together and broken, at the death of that particular dream. We have been mourning that death, and so many others, in this situation, but the people of God in our lives have taken the command to mourn with those who mourn seriously, and we are forever indebted.

But we also know that God is good and He is faithful. He is orchestrating a dream that is so far beyond anything we can imagine and more than anything, I just want to live within the dream He has for us, for our life together. We rest in that and in the comfort of His embrace. We are at great peace, even in our sorrow and mourning.

Grampa in his chair, days before he moved out. So grateful for the time spent with him in that room.

The Ford Ranch is not a house...it is that special place in the hearts and memories of everyone who spent time there and now we take it wherever we go, wherever we are, and wherever we honor the legacy and the stories written together in that home. I'm so grateful to have been allowed to be a player in the story of The Ford Ranch. I take up that mantle, not lightly, but with great passion and great reverence for everything that God has done there and will continue to do. 

Ford family, if you have a memory of The Ford Ranch you'd like to mark, I'd love it if you'd leave a comment here...let's raise this Ebenezer together and remember together. 

What I'm Into - June 2013

My roommates and forever friends. Coming up on our 10 year Friend-aversary!

Well, it's been almost 3 months since last I blogged...what is that even about anyway? 

Probably has a little to do with laziness.

Or a little with a lack of any coherent enough thoughts to throw out into the wild west of the internets.

Or busy-ness (what a cliché).

Or just general malaise.

Who knows, really...

But what I do know is I'm ready to dip my feet back in it and I needed something non-committal, non-intimidating, and non-heavy. So, I'm gonna tell you what I was into for the month of June and link up with What I'm Into over at HopefulLeigh! I know you're just dying to hear it, so let's get going!

Books I've Read:

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Dr. Brené Brown

Oh my gollee, you guys. THIS BOOK. Dr. Brown is a shame and vulnerability researcher and this book is chock full of insight from her research. I've been learning a lot about how dangerous shame is and how very much NOT of God it is the last couple of years and this book brought it all into clarity. It also brought me a defining moment of clarity about the "work" I'm meant to be doing. I'm still processing that one and figuring out what it will look like for me. But...just...read this.

Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way by Shauna Niequist

I mean, it shouldn't be all that surprising to see Shauna's name round these parts again, considering my last post was a review of her newest book. Just whatever, man. I'm fairly certain Shauna is my spirit animal (I don't even know) and I cannot get enough of her words. This is her second book and I'm devouring it, just as I have all of her others. In the middle of this one now.

Books on My Nightstand:

Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott

Maybe this one has something to do with my moment of clarity while reading Dr. Brené...maybe. But wouldn't you like to know?

Wonderstruck: Awaken to the Nearness of God by Margaret Feinberg

She spoke at a women's event at our church and I kinda fell in love with her. And because it's physically impossible for me to walk by a table piled high with books for sale and not buy one...well, now this one is on my nightstand.

On My TV (by which I mean, my laptop screen):

Parenthood

I watched all four seasons in about three weeks. That may have something to do with why I haven't blogged in awhile (at least for the last three weeks). I am SO IN LOVE WITH THE BRAVERMANS.  I am also apparently fairly masochistic since the show made me cry every. single. episode. I just so appreciate that they tackle tough stuff and don't gloss over it. And that the characters are all flawed. Nothing makes me angrier than a "perfect" character. Plus, I heart Lauren Graham always and forever...even if she is kinda playing the same character as in Gilmore. Whatever...I don't even care. Anxiously waiting September for Season 5...fingers crossed for Sarah and Mark!

In My Ears:

A New Liturgy by Aaron Niequist

Yes, this is Shauna's husband. But that's not the point. The point is that these four modern day liturgies are transforming my prayer life and have become one of the places I can commune with Christ most honestly. The website describes "each Liturgy [as] a 25 minute journey of music, prayer, scripture, and space that helps open us to The Almighty in any location, season, community, or emotion". And that's exactly what they have been for me. This last month, I've been particularly focused on the "Lord, Have Mercy" liturgy as I've lit my vigil candle and cried out for mercy for a number of reasons and on behalf of a number of people. SO looking forward to Liturgy #5 being released in July.

Other Random Stuff I'm Loving:

-ice cold Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy...thank the heavens it's found its way to the West Coast

-sweet time with college roommates

-watching God's faithfulness revealed in the long anticipated marriage of my friends

-a weekend with my husband in OKC

-celebrating Mr. Ford's 28th birthday

-SCOTUS rulings on DOMA and Prop 8

-finally getting the bid for the work on the Ford Ranch nailed down

-walls coming down in the most unexpected places (figurative walls...no literal ones, yet)

-time and conversation with my Mom

I promise I'll be back soon with more to say...perhaps a check-in on my "OneWord"?

But for now, what about you? What have you been into this month?

Oh, that one word...

God has been so faithful to us this last month. I don't know why I continue to be surprised when He is, because I've never known Him to be anything other than completely faithful. But there it is. I am still human after all.

Within about a 36 hour span of time, in the middle of January, God answered most of the questions we had about our more immediate future. Questions we assumed we'd have the answers to probably in April, May at the latest. God delights in surprising His children, I suppose, because He surprised us by giving us answers and direction and settling some unknowns in order to prepare us for things we would need to focus more of our attention on. All within about 36 hours. This is not a joke.

On a Sunday, we had lunch with the Pastor of our church campus and his wife, and the current Director of Operations for our campus and her husband. It was an informal interview for me to come on staff as the Campus Administrator so the Director of Operations could move into a new role for our campus. By the end of the lunch, it was fairly clear that if I wanted to accept the position, it would be mine. And I knew I wanted to do it. I felt God's call very strongly.

We walked out of the restaurant, got into our car, and Mr. Ford checked his phone and he had a voicemail from his mom. We called her, sitting in the parking lot, and learned that Mr. Ford's Grampa... the one he had moved up to Sacramento to live with for a time, the one with whom we spent a great deal of time in the first year of our dating life...was no longer able to live independently in his home due to his rapidly deteriorating eyesight. It was time to begin the process of moving him into an assisted living near Mr. Ford's parents. This was bittersweet news for us, and I think for most of the family. We knew he would be so much better off, but it was the end of an era and things that had played such an important role in mine and Mr. Ford's story. So we went to visit with him and being WITH Grampa on his new adventure began.

Monday morning, Mr. Ford received word that he had NOT made it through to the next round of the application process for the Foreign Services. We had assumed he would at least make it through this round and if it wasn't going to happen for us this time, we'd find out at the end of the next round, after a nice little trip to DC. In April. We were bummed, but okay. We had already come to a place of peace with either outcome so we allowed ourselves to feel our disappointment for a time and then were prepared to move on. 

That afternoon, not six hours after news of the Foreign Services, Mr. Ford was called into his boss' office and offered a permanent, full-time position at the company he's been contracting with since November. Again, we felt fairly confident that this would come, but not until his contract was up. In April. Are you seeing the hand of God yet? What provision, what care! Mr. Ford's (honest) response was, "Well, I'm not looking for anything else!" :)

On Tuesday, I officially accepted the offer for the position at the church. 

It was crystal clear that God had more for us to do here in Sacramento. Our work for His kingdom here in this city is not yet over. We have not given up on the dream of the Foreign Services...it's just been delayed a bit. We are just grateful to be used by God for His work, wherever that might be.

The beautiful providence of God here is that with so many questions that had been filling so much of our brain space answered, we were able to more fully devote our time and energy to being WITH Grampa during this transitional time for him. Again, God's perfect faithfulness and provision astound me. It was emotionally taxing on us...on the whole family. As these things are.

But the Lord always does you one better. We have been learning to be WITH Grampa and WITH one another, and I continue to learn what it means to mourn WITH those that mourn, and so many other ways to be WITH people. But God has revealed to us that perhaps what He wants to teach us through our OneWord for 2013 is that what we really need is to learn to allow others to be WITH us as well. 

The Lord has provided us with such an incredible community of faithful friends here. And I'm realizing this lesson of allowing others to be WITH us, is one more reason He has decided to keep us here for now. To learn to lean into that truth. To let our people, our tribe, be WITH us.

Our tribe has been amazing.

They have offered countless words of encouragement and prayers sent via text and Facebook.

They have pushed us to follow where we feel God leading us, sitting at a table in a dessert diner in downtown Sacramento on a Friday night.

They have offered hugs and an ear.

 They have stepped into our weaknesses and been willing to take things off our plates because they just know. They have sensed we need the help and they came riding in on grace and they have been WITH us. 

The faithfulness of His people have been His faithfulness to us. 

This word...WITH...it is is so much more than a word. It is a way of life and of faith. It is how the Kingdom of God comes to earth, as it is in heaven. 

And it's only February. Hang on, Mr. Ford...it's gonna be a wild year. 

WITH

I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I don't really know why...the idea just never resonated with me. Lately though, I've been hearing of a movement that has really resonated. The OneWord movement? Have you heard of this?

Basically, you choose one word that will serve as a guide post for the rest of your year and open yourself up to allowing God to define, explore, and reveal the multitude of meanings for that word in your life. It makes so much sense to me as it's easy to remember and free from the guilt and shame that failure to follow through on a resolution can bring. 

It's hard to choose the right word, because I want it to be a Spirit-led decision. As I've thought about it and prayed about it over the last week or so though, one word kept rising to the surface and I have a great sense of expectation about this word and this year. 

Mr. Ford and I will experience a lot of change and shifting in 2013. There are several answers that will be provided to us this year that we've been waiting for and those answers will determine a lot about the path our life together will take. We are ready and eager for whatever answers God gives us. We have spent a lot of time praying and talking and coming to a place of absolute contentment and trust in whatever the Lord brings us. Knowing this, in large part, has led me to my word for 2013, because I think it is how the Holy Spirit wants to guide me through these answers.

My OneWord for 2013 is WITH.

I just finished reading Radical Hospitality (um, game changer) and I am bowled over by the difficult simplicity of the true heart of hospitality. It is basically about just being present. To be WITH people, to walk WITH them. In their pain, in their suffering, in their joy, in their difficult-to-love states. To look them in the eye and say "I am WITH you now, in this moment, regardless of where or what else I could or 'should' be doing". That repositioning and re-posturing is simple, yet profound. I want to be intentional about being WITH people this year.

I want to be WITH God this year. To be WITH Him in His word and in prayer and in my eucharisteo. 

I want to be WITH my husband this year and in all that God is sure to bring our way in 2013.

WITH my church as we grow and expand.

WITH my friends in deeper and truer ways.

WITH my family in new and more intentional ways.

I want to walk through my days WITH gratitude.

WITH grace.

WITH wonder.

WITH joy.

WITH tenderness and gentleness and mercy.

WITH expectation and trust.

WITH certainty in the hope and promise of God's faithfulness.

WITH a spirit of learning and a heart of giving.

WITH the sole purpose of being grace to all I encounter.

This word, WITH, is a powerful and profound preposition. It bolsters the action verb and is active, even in it's passivity. I don't claim to have a full understanding of the preposition now, but my prayer and my expectation is that God will use it to affirm what I already know, shake up what I think I know, and reveal what I do not know about the meaning of the word WITH. 

And so I enter 2013 WITH a guiding word and a guiding principle and WITH great expectation and excitement. 

Let's do this.

Bread & Wine

Have you heard of Shauna Niequist?

Better yet, have you read Shauna Niequist?

I recently discovered her and her way with words and her heart which so clearly echoes my own.

My husband bought her first book, Cold Tangerines, for me to read on our anniversary trip last month and what I found in the pages of that book was a soul sister who loves a good story, good food, good conversation, and good friends and family. I mean, she studied English and French in college. We're basically kindred spirits. 

As a small sample of how IN MY HEAD AND HEART she really is:

I'm not a doctrinarian, mostly because for me, doctrine is not the thing that God has used to change my life. I'm a reader and a storyteller, and God chose literature and story and poetry as the languages of my spiritual text.     ~Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines, pg.24

I mean. Hello. Yes, yes, and yes.

That book gave me lots to chew on and I have a whole host of things to say, inspired by her words, but I'll save those for another time. 

The point is, I kinda have a friend crush on her now and in order to feed that in the healthiest of ways, of course, I started to follow her on Facebook and Twitter. And Instagram. Don't judge me. As a result of my fan-girl-ness, I discovered she is writing a new book, to be released in April of 2013, called Bread & Wine. It's going to be a collection of essays combined with recipes and the whole idea is that we come to the table, and we break bread and drink wine and tell stories, communing with one another and with Jesus, and we find the Kingdom there. We meet all manner of holiness there.

This idea of hospitality and stories and bread and wine around a table has been creeping it's way into my bones for sometime now and I am allowing it to inform the way I move through my day. This communion in and with God in the everyday is becoming my "why". So I'm waiting with great anticipation for the release of Shauna's new book. 

Imagine, then, my delight when she put out an all-call for recipe testers for it! I immediately jumped at the chance for a number of reasons. I love to cook and try new recipes, the idea of being a part of the publishing process in some way thrills me, the idea of being a part of Shauna's book appealed to me, and quite frankly, she said we'd get our name in the book if we were chosen. So...yeah. No shame. :)

Oh, and I was chosen. I squealed and did a happy dance. And then made plans to test it out for Mr. Ford and for my parents.

Me using a grill for the first time ever! I know, I know...

The completed dish.

Our table complete with wine.

And basically, what happened that night, was what I imagine is exactly the kind of thing Shauna is hoping to encourage with this book. My parents, my husband and I came to the table together, where we told stories and shared delicious food (because, yes, this dish was spectacular and if it's any indication of what the rest of her recipes are like, I will be cooking my way through the book) and drank wine and we met Jesus there and in one another. 

We talked about the church and where it has been, where it is, and where we see it going. Mr. Ford and I shared with my parents the vision, the dream, the passion we have for what our place in the future of the church might be, what our generation's place might be. We talked about family and some of the joys and fears and ups and downs we've experienced together over the last several years. We welcomed a deeper communion with one another and we welcomed the One from whom all ability to have any kind of communion comes. We welcomed the gifts, the grace, the eucharisteo of bread, wine, community, and Jesus.

And I walked away feeling like I'd just had church there, at my parent's table, the four of us together. 

So, Shauna, if you happen to read this, just know that your book, this heart on paper you've worked so hard to get out, it's already having a great impact, and accomplishing what I imagine it is you've set out for it to accomplish. And it hasn't even hit shelves yet. I can not thank you enough for allowing me the opportunity to be a part of this project. I eagerly await it's completion and fully expect the Lord to do a great work through it and at my table because of it. 

There's not much more in life I need but good food, good friends and family, good stories, and my good God. Yup. That about covers it.

 

Adventures and Expectations

Image Source

September has begun and has brought with it a mental shift to all things Fall. To be sure, I'm dreaming of oranges, reds, and yellows, burlap, all things pumpkin flavored, and I've already begun planning my menu for my very first Thanksgiving as hostess! (I know, I know, but I'm excited, okay? It's like a rite of passage as a housewife, for me.) 

But September has also ushered in a heavy sense of expectation. Not heavy, like, "Whoa, dude...that's heavy". But more like SO much expectation that it's...heavy. Like the only response is to turn my hands palms up, ready to receive whatever it is the Lord wants to place there. I have this feeling that He has some pretty rad adventures lying in wait for us and there is nothing I love more than adventuring with Mr. Ford. I feel like He probably has some brutiful moments to hand us...the kind where the brutal and the beautiful collide and there you find Him and His love in their rawest and purest forms. I'm fairly certain that He has some big changes coming our way, changes that we may not fully come to realize for awhile yet, but they will be set in motion this Fall. I just have a sense of great things to come and I'm ready for them.

We celebrate our first anniversary this month. Maybe that has something to do with it. When we got married, we committed to one another to spend our first year focusing on this fledgling, delicate, new thing we had just given birth to. It was probably the best thing we could have done for ourselves, not taking on any new commitments outside of the single most important one we'd just made. A lot happened in our first year and the Lord was so good to us to know what was coming and gave us the right people at the right time to counsel us to make this commitment. There were many storms that raged around us during that first year, external circumstances that caused us to move closer to one another and to the Lord, in a way that I don't think would have been possible had we not made the commitment to take that year to be wholly present with one another. And I think we are both feeling greatly strengthened and refreshed and like we know who we are as a team and ready to move forward into the dreams that the Lord has given us for our lives and our marriage. We know who we are, individually and as a couple, we have a good sense of the purpose God has breathed into our marriage, and we are ready to walk into it. The Fall has been a starting point for everything in our life together...our first date, our wedding, and now...well. The rest of our life together! 

I've taken claim to these lyrics of a popular worship song:

"I see a generation rising up to take their place with selfless faith. I see a near revival, stirring as we pray and seek. We're on our knees."

I truly believe that Mr. Ford and I are on the front lines of that generation. At least, that's our heart's desire, one that I know comes from the Lord Himself. We are on our knees, hands open, praying and seeking, as this Fall begins. We are eager and willing to take our place and to accept whatever brutiful adventures on which our Jesus wants to send us. 

Book Club

Image Source (and Book Club Source)

I, Mrs. Ford, English Major, have joined a book club.

Not all that shocking, I guess, but news nonetheless.

It's an online book club that I found through a blogger, Edie, I follow, who also, coincidentally, is good friends with my Aunt out in Tennessee. Edie is a strong believer and advocate for reading and reading the classics, which just speaks to my little soul.

I have been aching for discussions on literature, one of the things I miss most desperately about my time in college. And I've toyed with the idea of joining a book club, but most book clubs. that I know of at least, aren't...well...they aren't reading the classics, I'll put it that way. I've been feeling a pull back to them but was struggling to find the motivation and the incentive to go back. And then Edie announced this new online book club and my heart soared. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I will not be asked to read 50 Shades of Grey...and that's the kind of confidence I want in a book club I join. 

She's doing a chronological approach, so we're starting with The Odyssey by Homer, for September. I've read it before, but it deserves a re-read when I'm not also trying to read three other books for other classes. It deserves some undivided attention and focus. And that's what Edie is really trying to accomplish with this kind of book club. She doesn't want to shy away from the difficult classics for the very reason many do...they require focus and effort, which is something we are sorely lacking in our age of social networks, tweets, and instant information. Ironically, that "information" is often meaningless and empty, so very unlike a classic like The Odyssey. Your high school English teacher wants you to read these books for a reason, and it's not to torture you. 

To begin the discussion she offered this article from the LA Times (it's a few years old, but every bit as relevant now...if not more so) on "The Lost Art of Reading" and holy cow. Sing the song of my people, please. I have serious thoughts and musings on this kind of stuff and the "why" behind reading fiction and the classics that is intertwined with, and cannot be separated from, my life as a Christ Follower and my God-given ministry of reconciliation. That may be a subject for another post, but I will offer you this quote from the article that kind of sums up what I mean by that:

[T]he ability to still my mind long enough to inhabit someone else's world, and to let that someone else inhabit mine. Reading is an act of contemplation, perhaps the only act in which we allow ourselves to merge with the consciousness of another human being.

Chew on that for awhile, then let's talk. Seriously.

Anyway, I'm really excited about this. If you're looking for the same kind of challenging (and life-changing) literature in a book club forum, join me, join us! And let me know if you are. It'll do your heart, mind, and soul some good.

Weekend Dates

*Edit: I'm so dumb! I never mentioned what movie we saw. We saw Moonrise Kingdom. Oops!

Since Mr. Ford's work schedule is not a Monday through Friday deal, we have to take our "Saturdays" whenever we can get them...which usually means anytime we have a day off together. This week yesterday was our Saturday and he was off early enough on Thursday that it felt like a Friday night. This is so rare and we took full advantage of it.

Happy to have a summer evening together.

Thursday night, I had a hankering for some yummies from a local food stand called Sunflower. It's a vegetarian place and is probably the best food around. Hands down the best tacos I've ever had, with or without meat. So we hopped in the car with the dog and drove over there. While we were standing in line, we heard live music start up in the park next door. So after we got our order (two nutburgers...to die for), we walked over the hill and discovered a summer concert series in full swing. I think all of Fair Oaks and the surrounding area had turned out for it. TONS of people with their picnics and dogs and families. And dancing. Oh, the dancing. The people watching was solid gold. And the summer evening weather was perfection. It was a wonderful impromptu date night. And boy was it impromptu...I was in my sweat pants and had not put on any make-up all day. But a pleasant surprise evening out with my little family. 

Fair Oaks Summer Concert Series

Cute puppy and a nutburger.

Then Friday, we slept in and drank coffee in bed. Then Mr. Ford left to have lunch with a friend while I leisurely got ready for the day. When he came home, we decided to drive up to ELDO because my adorable 6 year old cousin had a lemonade stand and you just cannot deny that. Poor thing was at a slight disadvantage, living in a gated community in the foothills, so I wanted to be sure she had some business. So the whole Ford family hopped in the car and went in search of some lemonade. And cookies. And "decorative straws". Her exact words. 

Me with my decorative straw.

She and her little friend were SO cute and so optimistic about their lack of customers. But can I just say how disappointed I was in the several people that just drove by her and waved. People, what on earth can be so important that you don't have time to stop for 2 minutes and buy some lemonade from a little girl?! Seriously. It'll make their day and more than likely, seeing their smile will make yours too. Don't drive past, this summer, if you see a sweet little girl with a lemonade stand. Take a moment and make a difference in her day. 

Cutest little lemonade stand ever.

After we hung out a little bit and helped her pack up (we were her last customers of the day), we headed back home to drop the dog off and then we drove into downtown Sac for some bookstore roaming. Mr. Ford bought me a used copy of an Ann Patchett novel I've been wanting to read for awhile. Then he surprised me and told me that we were going to have some dinner and see a movie!

A notice on one of the shelves in the bookstore.

There is an old theater in Sacramento called the Tower Theater that only has 3 screens and shows some of the less mainstream movies. Right next door is the Tower Cafe with a wonderfully sweet outdoor patio. This is where we had dinner and a movie. It is so charming and I love that my town has such a gem like this. I loved sitting under the overgrowth of trees, talking, laughing, and enjoying a meal and some drinks with the love of my life. 

Dinner on the patio.

The movie was perfect. It was sweet, beautiful, and dreamy. And the little boy was SO much like my Mr. Ford (Khaki Scout!) and the little girl was enough like me (yellow suitcase full of books) and the way they spoke to one another and dealt with life was so familiar to us that I told Mr. Ford when we walked out of the movie that I was more in love with him then when we went in. I fell more in love with my husband through the character of Sam. Is that weird? Well, I don't care. It happened. It was just such a delightful little flick and I was in a dreamy, other-worldly haze for the rest of the evening. Even still a little bit today. 

Tower Theater and Cafe

We finished off the evening sharing a slice of tiramisu and a couple of espressos back on the patio of the Tower Cafe, with it all lit up and romantic. We laughed a lot more and reveled in the hazy cocoon that the movie had wrapped us in and just enjoyed each other. There is nothing better than dating my husband and the longer we are together and the more we learn about each other and the deeper in love we fall, the better the dating gets. For as long as I live, I never want to stop dating my husband. Whether the dates are completely impromptu, semi-planned, or planned months and weeks in advance...they all have their place and they are all wonderful. 

LOVE my husband.

Hope your weekend is just as lovely!

Celebrate!

So the weekend of June 22-25 was a weekend of many celebrations and boy, was it exhausting!

My Dad turned 50 back on the 13th but we threw him a surprise party on the 22nd when his sister and her family were in town from Tennessee.

Sidebar: Shout out to the Dibbs! You should come back to Cali more often...or just move back. We all know you want to. I LOVE when they are around. Mine and my sister's relationship with our cousin's Andrew and Morgan can best be summed up like this:

Graphic via here

Anyway, the theme of the party was MarioKart and my mom really went all out and managed to pull it off...he was totally surprised. Had no idea.

We made him "break through" the "finish line".

We had an awesome cake made by a local bakery:

We had cupcakes too with little MarioKart figures on top.

And my mom made cookies to look like the invincibility stars:

Mr. Ford ate a lot of these.

We ordered cakepops to look like the "one-up" mushrooms from Mr. Ford's awesome cousin's cakepop business, Sallyface Cakepops:

CUTE. And yummy.

B-T-Dubs, they ship anywhere in the country. Got your back, Chy. ;)

My Uncle Kirk grilled and smoked so much of his famous Tri-Tip, I don't think he left any for the rest of the state of California. The man is a Tri-Tip wizard. So yum.

And my Dad got to play MarioKart with a lot of his favorite people.

By which I mean his nieces and nephews.

Mostly, it was just a wonderful time spent celebrating an incredible man who has done so much for so many in his 50 years with family and friends who are family.

The next day we spent just chilling at the Miller homestead in Yuba City with family, which is so rare but so lovely. Relaxing, refreshing, and fun. So much fun. The Millers love to laugh and know how to make each other laugh (however inappropriate it may be at times...oops ;) and that's how we spent Saturday. I wish we could have more time like more often.

Cousin Andrew wearing G-pa's hat.

Mr. Ford and I

6 1/2 year old Gilly teaching cousin Andrew how to play a game on her Kindle.

Then Sunday it was time for Ford family celebrations! It was not only Mr. Ford's sister's birthday but also our niece, Giulia's first birthday! So we headed over to Ben and Gina's to celebrate our sweet, sweet, full of personality and life Giulia. 

WIth our niece/Mr. Ford's Goddaughter.

That girl LOVED her cake and is not afraid to get messy...while still looking gorgeous. My kind of girl.

FEARLESS.

Mr. Ford's sister, Elizabeth, and her son, Logan, as well as my wonderful, Mother-in-Love, Colleen drove up from down south to be with everybody for Weekend 'o' Celebrations, which was a real treat. I love having them around and I got to bond a little more with Logan, which was a major plus. Sunday night we had a quiet dinner at Chevy's to celebrate Elizabeth. Mr. Ford got her a sombrero and she retaliated and got him one too, since his birthday was on Monday! (I told you there were lots of people to celebrate!)

Mr. Ford can be such a goober...but he's my goober. :)

And Monday was my Mr. Ford's birthday. Oh my, do I love that man. We had a nice quiet morning, drinking coffee and I read all of his Facebook birthday wishes out loud to him, emphasizing when there were all caps and the number of exclamation points used. He really loved that. ;)

Then Mr. Ford got cooking. What he wanted most to do for his birthday was to cook a fabulous meal for some of the people he loved (which turned out to be, as he put it, "the women in his life"). He has always loved to cook and to be adventurous in the kitchen, but since starting back to school full-time while working full-time, he hasn't been able to cook much of anything at all, much less get adventurous. So that's what he wanted to do. And boy was it phenomenal! It reminded me of why I fell in love with him and married him.

He made a 3 course meal, plus an aperitif course and a dessert course. For the aperitif he made what were basically gruyere cheese-its...holy cow. They were so good! They were gobbled up so fast. OMG, yum.

Then he made a chilled melon soup that was so refreshing and perfect for summer.

Then there was a FABULOUS roasted, chopped beet and red onion salad. You cannot go wrong with roasted beets. Just ask me.

THEN. Oh, then...he made duck confit. MY man made duck confit. I have died and gone to heaven. Duck confit is the food of the gods...and also the French. Oh, my word. I love duck confit...probably one of my favorite foods and the singular reason I go to France. ;) Just kidding...kind of. And my man NAILED IT. It was unbelievable. No words. I may go so far as to say it was the best of my life. Sorry, Frenchies. But it was really that good. Woo! Cloud nine.

It doesn't look like much, but TRUST ME.

 And then we had a tart tatin, which is basically on upside-down, open-faced apple pie and also very French. Yum, yum. Even though it made a GIANT mess in my oven. But whatever. I'm over it.

I was very proud of my table setting too. :)

And other than oohing and ahhing over my husband's chops in the kitchen, we just had a lovely evening chatting and being together. And watching Logan run back and forth and play with toys. Man, do I love that kid.

Love this kid. Also our Godson. We collect them, apparently. :)

My husband is truly my best friend and equal and perfect yin to my yang in every way. I love him forever and am so grateful to have been able to celebrate another year of his life, because his life has changed mine in radical and unexpected ways. If you've ever met him, count yourself blessed and enriched. The fact that he chose to cook for others on HIS birthday speaks volumes of his character and his servant heart. I love you to the moon and back, Mr. Ford.

And Tuesday I got to spend a quiet day at home with my sister-in-love, Elizabeth, chatting on the couch for hours on end. That was a true blessing. I am so grateful to have her and her precious son in my life as well.

It was a crazy, busy, long, exhausting weekend but a weekend we'll always remember. Full of celebrations of the ones we love. That is always a joy.