Today my heart and my mind have been battling with one another. Real, ugly, exhausting battle like I've never experienced. I spent most of the day in bed, falling in and out of sleep, but even in my dreams, the battle raged on. To be raw and real with you for a moment, my soul is not at peace right now. For a number of reasons that are entirely unrelated but seem to be all ganging up together in this battle. And that is not something I'm used to.
I was feeling a little sick...literally and figuratively...and tired. Weary. Battered. And bruised. So I did the only thing I knew to do...the thing my mother taught me as a child. I made myself a pot of tea. And Jesus and I had a little tea party. We had a heart-to-heart and I was brutally honest and cried out and waited on Him and tried to invite all of the healing properties that communing over a pot of tea with Jesus should surely bring.
I would be lying if I said I walked away from that tea party healed and at peace and no longer feeling the ravages of battle. I am still feeling very broken. But I do know that the Holy Spirit showed up at our little tea party and offered for my soul to be well...which I think is different from it being at peace. I think that for my soul to be well is hope that it will be at peace again...eventually. And that is sufficient for me right now. It has to be. I am clinging to that hope. My lifelong experience of His faithfulness has to be enough for me to believe on His faithfulness to bring me the peace and the answers that my soul seeks. Even if those are not the answers that my brain seeks.
God is Love. He is Mercy. He is Grace. He is Compassion. He is Truth. He is Faithfulness. Tonight, I rest in this and wait, with a well soul, for these truths to bring peace.
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