Letters to Milo - 1 Month

Milo, my love...

You're a month old today - mine and Papa's third anniversary. We are in awe of how much richer your presence has made our lives; the ways in which we have fallen hard for you and the ways in which watching the other care for and love you has made us fall harder for one another. Our family has been on such an adventure already, in the month since you made us three, and our future together promises many more adventures. Papa and I can't wait to show you the world.

In our first month together we have already seen so much of both myself and Papa in you. You stretch and reach and yawn just like me. Nearly everything else is your Papa. My favorite is the way you move your hands; in particular, you will loosely ball up your hand in a fist, save for your index finger which points out with a slight curve, which is a mannerism all Papa's. I love how much you are like him already. What fun it will be for me to watch the two of you become best friends!

You have grown so much in a month! You had us worried there for the first couple of weeks though. You and I struggled quite a bit with nursing in the beginning and you were not getting enough to bring you back up to birth weight and you just kept dropping. We finally had to supplement with formula for awhile to pack on some calories and get you bulked up. Once you were getting a full tummy, though, the weight piled on in no time and you haven't stopped since. You are now strictly getting breastmilk, though it is still through a bottle, and not 100% my milk, yet. Someday, I will tell you about the beautiful gift that your Uncle Luke and Auntie Jen gifted to us, but for now just know that your sweet friend Felicity is watching out for you.

Already this month you have rolled several times from your belly to your back. Unfortunately, I missed the very first time because I had hidden myself away in my bedroom to pump, while your Grandma and Grandpa Ford, Auntie Liz, and Papa were all playing with you during tummy time. I vowed I wouldn't let pumping stop me from missing out on anything else! At first we thought maybe it was a fluke, but you have rolled over several more times since then, so I really don't think it was.

No small thing, that head of yours.
Impressive that you can hold it up for so long already, kid. ;)

You are so strong already, baby. You can lift and hold your head for several seconds, maybe even minutes at a time, and you have even started to gain some control here in the last few days. You are SO alert and I think you suffer from a case of "don't-want-to-miss-out-on-anything-itis".

Also in the last week your social smile has started to make an appearance. It is the most heart-meltingly sweet thing I've ever seen. I have yet to capture it in a picture because I just want to soak it in when it happens. You've even started to interact with us a bit. Kisses and raspberries will elicit that smile right now.

Overall, you are an extremely content baby. You mostly keep your cries to just letting us know you have a need. We are so thankful for that. You eat about every two hours during the day and you go for a couple of four hour stretches at night. Which, again, Papa and I are very grateful for. 

Baby-wearing is a Mama's best friend!

When we go out, Papa or I will wear you and we are all loving that; all three of us love the closeness it offers and Papa and I love the ease and hands-free-ness of it. I'll even wear you at home so I can get a few things done while still giving us some great bonding time. Three cheers for baby-wearing!

I am loving being at home with you during the day. I'm struggling a little with figuring out the best way to feed you, pump, feed myself, and take a shower. But this is only the first week of just you and I hanging out while Papa goes to work. For the most part, it has felt pretty natural for me...after all, this is THE thing I've dreamed about and wanted for as long as I can remember. I am just tickled pink to finally be able to BE a stay-at-home-mom. And not just any SAHM...YOUR mom. 

Darling boy, we can't say it enough, but we love you with all our hearts and souls. Our first month together has been an absolute dream and we are deliriously happy to have you here in our arms. 

To the moon and back, baby,

Mama

Milo Andrew - A Birth Story, Part 2

My little Lost Boy

Read Part 1 of our birth story. Even more words in Part 2...you've been warned.

It was time to push and only half of the birth team was there. You were coming so fast, love, that Mama & Papa weren't sure Jamie, Fawn's apprentice midwife, was going to make it in time. There wasn't a lot to be done about that though...you were coming with or without her.

Fawn asked Mama to move from her position on the bed on all fours to lay on her left side and try pushing like that. Mama moved into position and when the first contraction came she bore down and felt you starting to come down. Papa was right there, holding Mama's hand, in her ear encouraging her and vocalizing his belief in her ability to do this. You and Mama and Papa worked together in this position for about 10-15 minutes, before Mama decided it was no longer comfortable. So she moved to a sitting/half-reclining position and this was how you were ultimately born.

At some point during the pushing, Jamie arrived. Everyone was relieved and so happy she had made it; Mama and Papa wanted their team there! 

Mama's water had still not broken at that point and (thankfully) Fawn never even suggested breaking it. Clearly, that didn't need to happen because labor was progressing so quickly. The midwives and Papa could see the bag of waters bulging out every time Mama pushed, which was a trip, according to Papa. Fawn and Jamie knew that when it did break it was going to make quite a mess, so they were prepared with PLENTY of chux pads. About halfway through pushing (which lasted a total of 1 hr 15 min...in large part because the bag of waters was acting as an airbag for you and your big head), Mama felt (and heard) a giant POP! and yelped as the water gushed. Fawn, Jamie, and Papa all jumped back. Everyone laughed (in the middle of pushing, can you believe it?!) and knew that things would pick up at this point. Mama later described the water breaking as a Super Soaker spraying out from...well, down there (again, apologies for the embarrassment, but it's part of the story). 

Mama continued to work hard to get your big 14" head out. About 7 minutes before you were born, Fawn listened to your heart-tones and found that they had dropped quite a bit and were not coming back up. Mama had to get you out right away. So for 7 straight minutes she pushed with all her might to bring you into the world. There was a moment where she felt she couldn't possibly keep pushing (not because of the pain, but the stamina it required to push for 7 min straight) but your Papa was right there, with absolute faith in her ability to do it and he wouldn't let her give her up. Fawn and Jamie were also so encouraging and worked to help Mama get you out. 

At 8:02 AM, you emerged and Mama and Papa heard your sweet, plaintive cry for the first time. Fawn brought you up to Mama's chest and Mama was just in awe of you, sweet boy. She laughed and cried and Papa also cried. Mama and Papa spent the next 20 minutes in a cocoon of wonder while they got to know you and fell in love with you. You were perfect. Beautiful. Unbearably sweet. And HERE. You had finally arrived. Mama and Papa had waited for you for so long and they could hardly believe that you were actually in their arms. 

Twenty minutes later, Mama delivered the placenta and Papa cut the umbilical cord, which was quite long. They were in a haze of love and peace. Everything was quiet and Fawn and Jamie just went about their business and mostly left you with your Mama and Papa to get to know one another in peace. The Ford family of three were given their space to process and be together. It was beautiful and exactly what your Mama and Papa had longed for when bringing you into their world. They are so grateful to have been given that gift, one they do not take for granted.

After about an hour, Fawn and Jamie came back in to weigh you and measure you and take all your other vitals. You were a hefty 8 lbs 12 oz, according to their fish scale (ha! Later that day we had you weighed on a real scale by a lactation consultant who said you were 8 lbs 8 oz. That is your "official" birth weight, but there will always be a bit of a debate on that. ;) and 21 1/4 inches long, with an APGAR score of 9. Just so perfect. This was about the time we finally decided on your name, Milo Andrew. 

The midwives then stitched Mama up (she had some very light tearing, from that big ole head of yours) while you and Papa spent some time bonding skin-to-skin. It was still so quiet and peaceful. When that was finished, they gave Mama some tips to get started nursing, but you were not terribly interested. You just wanted to sleep. You were so tired from your journey. (You and Mama continued to struggle with nursing for the next week and a half, even with the help of Fawn and the lactation consultant and the pediatrician, but this is a story for another time.)

When the midwives were done with all of that, they cleaned up and packed up their supplies and left you and Mama and Papa alone together to continue to get to know each other, with the promise to return the next day to check in. And just like that the Fords were no longer two, but three.

//

Some reflections:

Those last 7 minutes of pushing were experienced quite differently by Mr. Ford and I. Leading up to our due date, Fawn had encouraged me as we talked about what to do should we need to transport to the hospital, to just focus in on my body and my job, which was to continue to breathe and work through each contraction and to let her worry about everything else. So, when she said we needed to get Milo out now, I just went into that mode. I focused on what I needed to do which was push. I wasn't worried at all. I had absolute faith in my midwives and trusted them entirely to make the right call. And in return my whole support team had faith in me and my body to get the job done. The level of trust and belief in one another in that room in those moments was something unlike I've experienced very often. I knew we were all going to be just fine. 

Mr. Ford told me a few days after Milo was born as we were continuing to process the birth experience together, that in those moments, he was scared. He trusted Fawn, but I think he had a better idea of the urgency that was behind her words when she said "We gotta get him out now". We have since decided, after processing together and also debriefing with Fawn at one of our follow-up appointments, that it was good for him to have that sense of urgency because it spurred him to give me the encouragement and final nudge I needed to bring our baby into the world. 

And here's why this moment actually reinforces my belief in home birth, rather than scares me off of it: I think that had we been in a hospital, my water would have been broken for me even, though it was entirely unnecessary. More than that though, I really believe we would have ended up with a vacuum extraction or forceps intervention...or worse. None of these things were necessary and my midwife knew that. She knew that I, my body, and my determination was strong enough to get him out and she knew that we were not in a crisis situation. What was happening, though not necessarily normal, is not an uncommon occurrence in childbirth. She knew what she was doing and because of the relationship we had built throughout pregnancy, she knew I could do it. And she knew that Andrew would encourage me through it, so she and Jamie could focus and do what they are trained to do. To be frank, I felt safer and more confident being at home than I think I would have in a hospital. 

I have lots more to say on midwifery care and home birth and why we chose it as the right thing for our family, but that warrants its own blog post (and I promise that will come soon). I will say though, that it is not for everyone, and that is more than okay. More than that though I recognize that the fact that we even had the option of a home birth is a result of a great amount of societal privilege. It's a disparity that I would love to see remedied...I would love to see more women and families even have the ability to choose a home birth. As Jamie said in one of our birth classes, I am an advocate for home birth, but more than that I'm an advocate for women being empowered to make the informed choice for themselves.

Ultimately, our birth experience was just what we had dreamed of and hoped for. We are acutely aware of the reality that this was not guaranteed to us and that not every family is afforded that same opportunity...Milo's birth stands in stark contrast to that truth in a very real and raw way. We do not take the gift of his birth for granted. 

That moment in our bedroom, in the early morning quiet, when our two became three was a thin place where the veil of heaven was lifted and we glimpsed the holy. In that moment I physically FELT and knew in my bones and in the rawness of my body the core truth of my faith: resurrection. It is imprinted on my soul, my heart, and my story. I am forever changed. I'll be peeling back the layers of how my body embodied resurrection in a deeply human way for a long time to come. 

In childbirth, I was given the gift of being fully present in my womanhood and I came out the other side more completely inhabiting this body and the beauty of my womanhood. In this way, I also more viscerally understand the incarnation of Christ in a human body and in the motherly nature of God. In childbirth God has affirmed my identity as a woman and that my personhood as a woman has something to teach the world about God's character and God's nature. I can only assume that Motherhood waits to teach me ever so much more about those truths and so many others. I am changed on a soul-DNA level.

//

Milo, you are loved and you are enough and you are loved you are loved you are loved. So deeply and truly loved. To the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.

Milo Andrew - A Birth Story, Part 1

Warning: SO many words ahead. 

Darling boy. 

Finally, finally you're here. 

From the moment they placed you on my chest our world and our hearts cracked wide open to welcome you in; to share in this little life we have built. It's a simple life, but it's ours and it's beautiful. And now that you're here, it's a more complete life. 

Will you let me tell you a story, baby doll? The story of your entrance into our world? I'll try not to embarrass you...

First family selfie

During our 39th week together, Mama started to get really anxious to meet you. She knew she needed to be patient and let you decide on your own when you were ready, but that's not to say she didn't do a few things to encourage you. She started walking more, swimming at Mamie and Papi's house (they bought a house with a pool in anticipation of you, darling. They, and Papa, can't wait till your big enough to play in it), and taking Evening Primrose Oil. Several days passed with no sign of your pending arrival. 

At 39 weeks, 6 days Mama and Papa had a great dinner at Mamie and Papi's house and watched a few episodes of Jen Hatmaker's reality show on HGTV. Mama started to feel really tired and uncomfortable so they decided to head back home. When they got home, they got distracted by a puzzle they had started earlier in the day to pass the time till you came (your parents are super cool people). Mama was increasingly more uncomfortable as they sat there and worked on the puzzle, but it never crossed her mind that it could have been the first signs you were on your way. She's still not sure if that's what it was. Finally, they decided to go to bed.

At 1:57 AM, Mama jolted awake with what she was 85% sure was a no kidding contraction. It felt like a really bad menstrual cramp (I realize that will never mean anything to you and probably just embarrass you, but there it is. It's part of the story.) She got up to go to the bathroom and then waited to see if it would happen again. About 10 minutes later, sure enough, another contraction. She waited through a few more contractions, which were about 10-15 min apart, over the course of an hour. At about 3 AM, she woke Papa up to let him know that you were coming to greet us. They called their midwife, Fawn, to let her know labor had started and to make sure that the light bleeding Mama was having was normal. (It was.) She told us to try to go back to sleep which Papa thought was a great idea. Mama knew that was not gonna happen. 

What you can't see is that this is a cat puzzle...
I think we thought we were being clever as we are NOT cat people.

It wasn't long before she realized that this was happening and happening quickly. You were not wasting any time in finding your way to us. Mama woke Papa up again and let him know that he needed to start to prepare the bed. He also started timing the contractions.

I suppose I should interject here that you were born at home. More on the whys of that choice at another time.

Mama spent the next hour and a half laboring quietly and peacefully, in the dim lights of her bedroom. The only position that was really comfortable for her was bent over the edge of the bed, swaying and breathing through the contractions. Occasionally, she would lean on Papa's chest and they would slow dance. Papa was the most amazing coach and partner. He was right there for every contraction, rubbing Mama's back and encouraging her through each one. Between each contraction, he rushed around to prepare the bed, and he did his best to get the birth tub ready. They soon realized they would not have time to make use of the birth tub. 

Fawn and her apprentice, Jamie, had told Mama and Papa that when contractions had been consistently 4 minutes apart for an hour, that was when they should call to have them come. By the time the contractions were consistent for an hour, they were 3 minutes apart, so at about 5:15 AM Papa called Fawn to let her know that contractions were 3 minutes apart and she should probably come. Fawn sounded a bit skeptical that Mama was already that far along, but she said she would come. Fawn arrived about 5:45-6 AM and she checked Mama to see how far along she really was. Everyone was surprised to find out that she was already fully dilated after about 4 hours of laboring! Fawn asked Mama if she was ready to push to which Mama replied "Not yet!" She needed time to process that this had happened so quickly and mentally prepare to push and meet you. After about another 30 minutes, it was time to push and help you make your entrance into this big, scary, and wonderful world.

//

Just a few reflections on the story up to this point (part 2 to come later in the week).

We spent MONTHS in pregnancy preparing for what we were expecting to be a 24 hr/30 hr/LONG labor. Everything we read and everyone we talked to said that for first time moms, this was normal. We took a Bradley Method course to learn and practice techniques to get us through the long labor successfully as a team. Everything we do in life is a team effort, from the mundane things to the major life moments, so Bradley was tailor-made for us. Mr. Ford dove into the role of support head first. He amazed me all through pregnancy at how involved and curious he was about the whole birth process and the role he could play in helping the birth of our child be the successful, natural, intervention-free home birth we desired. I fell more in love with him in pregnancy as he sought to serve his growing family in this way, and we drew closer together than ever before. 

So when labor actually started and progressed as quickly it did, we were surprised, to say the least. We ended up not needing most of what we had learned and practiced and only used a fraction of the birth kit we had assembled. It certainly helped to be so prepared, though, because it felt as though we were just trying to mentally keep up with what my body was doing. Being so prepared allowed us to just default to what we had practiced without having to think about it too much. 

Catastrophically happy.

It all felt very dreamlike and surreal, as it all started in the middle of the night and I felt very outside of myself the whole time. The contractions were certainly difficult, but again, I had prepared for something much more painful and HARD, so it was strange to me to not be too phased by them. It's hard to describe without sounding nonchalant and dismissive of the very real difficulty of laboring through contractions, which I certainly felt. It just...I don't know...felt NATURAL for me to be experiencing these labor pains. I don't know if it was because I was just trying to mentally keep up with what my body was physically doing that I didn't have time to really FEEL the pain, or what it was; it just felt as though I was always meant to DO this thing. I was so ready and it just felt...natural. Yes. That's the best way to describe it, I think. I felt peaceful and in control and capable and strong. Frankly, I FELT the truth that God has embedded on my heart and in my soul that I AM a Woman of Valor. There are just not sufficient words to explain it and I feel as though I'm grasping at them now, so I'll just leave it be. 

Stay tuned for Part 2. 

Tiny Child, You Are Loved and You Are Enough

Tiny Child at 20 weeks. He's a squirmy one.

I'm not even gonna try to play catch up. The most important thing and the reason I'm even here to write today is this...

I'm Pregnant.

At this point, we are 24 1/2 weeks along, with a little boy who, for now, is going by names like Tiny Child, Little Dude, and Baby Boy Ford. We are still trying to come up with just the right name, but likely he won't actually receive a name until we've had the opportunity to meet him and get to know him for a few seconds, minutes, hours...whatever it takes. We're also guarding all of our potentials as though they were the crown jewels, so don't bother asking. :)

We are planning a home birth, with our incredible midwife, Fawn, attending. We could not be more thrilled at the prospect of welcoming this Tiny Child into our lives while in our own home. I believe with all my heart that this is one of the most sacred moments we will ever experience, a thin place, a moment where the veil between heaven and earth will be lifted just for a moment, and I want to do everything in my power to mark it and protect it from anything that might interrupt or tarnish it. For us, this is the right thing. I'm happy to talk about it more, so you CAN ask about that. 

As you might imagine, I've had lots of time to think about and talk about what parenting for me, for Mr. Ford and I, might look like. After a conversation with my mother the other day, I realized the two marks by which I will consider myself having successfully parented. 

1. That my child(ren) have instilled in them, even now while still in the womb, that they carry with them the Imago Dei by mere virtue of their existence. Because they take breath on this earth, they are marked with the Image of God and thereby are LOVED, and WORTHY to be loved, fiercely and madly by the God who created them and the parents that God allowed to play a role in that creation. Full stop. They are loved, and fully worthy of that love, no conditions, no matter what, because they carry Imago Dei.

2. Because of the truth of number one, they need not give into what I believe is Satan's greatest tool and greatest lie - shame. If my child(ren) know intrinsically that they are enough because of their identity as an image-bearer of God, they will be more able to resist the lies of shame that tell them they are not worthy or not enough or, even, too much. A life clouded in shame does not have to be their story. They can live free of it and if I do my job well, they will grow up with a strong resistance to shame.

My prayer and my hope is that their Father and I can begin, even now, to impress upon our child(ren) these two truths; that they are Image-Bearers of the God of the Universe, thus making them loved and worthy of love, and that because of that identity they can know that shame is NEVER from God and ALWAYS from the Great Deceiver, regardless of whose mouth is speaking that shame. I pray that I can practice my own shame resilience, my own consistent, "Get behind me Satan" when he sends his shame gremlins to attack, in such a way that I can impart and teach my child(ren) their own shame resilience. If I can accomplish these things, than I will know I have been successful at having parented.

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord.

Amen.

PS - Even posting today is me practicing shame resilience...it's been so long since I blogged, it'd be easy to let myself start down a shame spiral about it. But I refuse to. I hope you're paying attention, Tiny Child. :) 

The Ford Ranch

It's taken me awhile to process enough to be able to write about this...but I need to. I need to mark it, to raise an Ebenezer, to remember, because it's a moment in our lives together that God is using and will continue to use to grow us.

Since about March or April, Mr. Ford and I had been in the process of purchasing the home that his Grampa Ford had lived in for nearly 40 years. It was the house that Mr. Ford and his siblings and cousins grew up spending time at...they built memories there and the walls are filled with the stories of a family and a legacy. Even in the garage the walls are literally marked with the growing up of the grandchildren that ran and played and learned and loved there.

In the garage...I so badly wanted to add my children's timeline to this history.

Mr. Ford and I had ourselves written countless pages of our own story in that house. It was where he was living when we met and so many of our early dates were in that house, around Grampa's dinner table - Mr. Ford, Grampa, and I. Even then we dreamed together of maybe someday carrying on our story in that place. So when the opportunity arose to make it a reality, (to be clear, Grampa just couldn't live there independently anymore...he is alive and well!) the dreaming became much more specific. We began to picture bringing our babies home to that front room, with the built-in bookcase that Grampa had built. We pictured our little chicken coop and vegetable garden on the back part of the lot, where Mr. Ford would teach our children all about gardening. We pictured ourselves sitting on the deck under the big oak tree in the front yard, after putting the kids to bed, and remembering where we'd been and dreaming together about where we'd go. I had a whole stock-pile of memories that we had already created there and memories that I had dreamed up there. We were grateful.

Mr. Ford chopping wood in the backyard...taken just weeks after our first date.

It was affectionately referred to as The Ford Ranch. We were thrilled to have the opportunity to breathe new life into it and to carry on the legacy and to continue to write the story of the Ford family within those walls. We believed, and I still do believe, it was not the "blessing" of a house...it was a holy tasking to make that home a safe space for everyone in our lives to love and be loved, unconditionally and unequivocally. We were so excited.

The house needed some love and because of the kind of loan we were getting to give it that love, the process was taking a long time. But we were patient, certain that this was something we were meant to do and that in the end it would all be worth it. We poured blood, sweat, and tears into it and our little tribe of people rallied around us and showed up for us in truly remarkable ways to help us get there. 

Removing wallpaper and the infamous mirror at the end of the hall.

Then four days before we were supposed to close, after months and months of waiting and dreaming and picturing living and dying in that house, we learned there was a problem with the loan, that turned out to be insurmountable. We fought to the very end and did everything we could to not let the dream die, but in the end...there was nothing we could do. We had to walk away from The Ford Ranch.

It was a surreal week, the week surrounding that final decision. Just before we had the conversation that resulted in the resolution, a friend of mine, who knew the situation, texted me that she was praying for God's best for us in the situation, and it reminded me that He really does know better than I do. Mr. Ford and I sat in our car and prayed that same prayer aloud together and asked for quick and clear discernment as to what His best for us, and everyone involved, really was. He certainly answered that one...we knew very quickly that we needed to walk. For the sake of the family, for us, and for Grampa. I won't go into all of the details, but where we once felt confident that we were meant to be in that house, we were now confident that we were not meant to be.

That's a strange flip to make. We really did, and still do, believe that at the time, trying to buy that house was what we were meant to do. And I think that the point was not to actually purchase the house and live in it, but that the whole process was meant to teach us to dream again and to recognize what our true ministry is. The work we knew God was calling us to has not changed...we can do that work anywhere. And we will. But I think that He needed us to walk through this particular moment in our story to really get clarity on what that work is. This was the refining fire meant to prepare us for the mighty things He wants to accomplish through us.

God has loved us so well and so uniquely throughout this process. He has surrounded us with friends and family who have walked through every step with us; who have been excited with us, who have sweat alongside of us, who have prayed with us (I'll never forget the moment my mother was taking down wood paneling in the room that was going to be the nursery for our future babies, praying for them..the ones not yet even knit together, so very loved), who have cried with us, and who have mourned with us. 

We were heartbroken. We stood in that dreamed up nursery one last time, crying together and broken, at the death of that particular dream. We have been mourning that death, and so many others, in this situation, but the people of God in our lives have taken the command to mourn with those who mourn seriously, and we are forever indebted.

But we also know that God is good and He is faithful. He is orchestrating a dream that is so far beyond anything we can imagine and more than anything, I just want to live within the dream He has for us, for our life together. We rest in that and in the comfort of His embrace. We are at great peace, even in our sorrow and mourning.

Grampa in his chair, days before he moved out. So grateful for the time spent with him in that room.

The Ford Ranch is not a house...it is that special place in the hearts and memories of everyone who spent time there and now we take it wherever we go, wherever we are, and wherever we honor the legacy and the stories written together in that home. I'm so grateful to have been allowed to be a player in the story of The Ford Ranch. I take up that mantle, not lightly, but with great passion and great reverence for everything that God has done there and will continue to do. 

Ford family, if you have a memory of The Ford Ranch you'd like to mark, I'd love it if you'd leave a comment here...let's raise this Ebenezer together and remember together. 

What I'm Into - June 2013

My roommates and forever friends. Coming up on our 10 year Friend-aversary!

Well, it's been almost 3 months since last I blogged...what is that even about anyway? 

Probably has a little to do with laziness.

Or a little with a lack of any coherent enough thoughts to throw out into the wild west of the internets.

Or busy-ness (what a cliché).

Or just general malaise.

Who knows, really...

But what I do know is I'm ready to dip my feet back in it and I needed something non-committal, non-intimidating, and non-heavy. So, I'm gonna tell you what I was into for the month of June and link up with What I'm Into over at HopefulLeigh! I know you're just dying to hear it, so let's get going!

Books I've Read:

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Dr. Brené Brown

Oh my gollee, you guys. THIS BOOK. Dr. Brown is a shame and vulnerability researcher and this book is chock full of insight from her research. I've been learning a lot about how dangerous shame is and how very much NOT of God it is the last couple of years and this book brought it all into clarity. It also brought me a defining moment of clarity about the "work" I'm meant to be doing. I'm still processing that one and figuring out what it will look like for me. But...just...read this.

Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way by Shauna Niequist

I mean, it shouldn't be all that surprising to see Shauna's name round these parts again, considering my last post was a review of her newest book. Just whatever, man. I'm fairly certain Shauna is my spirit animal (I don't even know) and I cannot get enough of her words. This is her second book and I'm devouring it, just as I have all of her others. In the middle of this one now.

Books on My Nightstand:

Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott

Maybe this one has something to do with my moment of clarity while reading Dr. Brené...maybe. But wouldn't you like to know?

Wonderstruck: Awaken to the Nearness of God by Margaret Feinberg

She spoke at a women's event at our church and I kinda fell in love with her. And because it's physically impossible for me to walk by a table piled high with books for sale and not buy one...well, now this one is on my nightstand.

On My TV (by which I mean, my laptop screen):

Parenthood

I watched all four seasons in about three weeks. That may have something to do with why I haven't blogged in awhile (at least for the last three weeks). I am SO IN LOVE WITH THE BRAVERMANS.  I am also apparently fairly masochistic since the show made me cry every. single. episode. I just so appreciate that they tackle tough stuff and don't gloss over it. And that the characters are all flawed. Nothing makes me angrier than a "perfect" character. Plus, I heart Lauren Graham always and forever...even if she is kinda playing the same character as in Gilmore. Whatever...I don't even care. Anxiously waiting September for Season 5...fingers crossed for Sarah and Mark!

In My Ears:

A New Liturgy by Aaron Niequist

Yes, this is Shauna's husband. But that's not the point. The point is that these four modern day liturgies are transforming my prayer life and have become one of the places I can commune with Christ most honestly. The website describes "each Liturgy [as] a 25 minute journey of music, prayer, scripture, and space that helps open us to The Almighty in any location, season, community, or emotion". And that's exactly what they have been for me. This last month, I've been particularly focused on the "Lord, Have Mercy" liturgy as I've lit my vigil candle and cried out for mercy for a number of reasons and on behalf of a number of people. SO looking forward to Liturgy #5 being released in July.

Other Random Stuff I'm Loving:

-ice cold Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy...thank the heavens it's found its way to the West Coast

-sweet time with college roommates

-watching God's faithfulness revealed in the long anticipated marriage of my friends

-a weekend with my husband in OKC

-celebrating Mr. Ford's 28th birthday

-SCOTUS rulings on DOMA and Prop 8

-finally getting the bid for the work on the Ford Ranch nailed down

-walls coming down in the most unexpected places (figurative walls...no literal ones, yet)

-time and conversation with my Mom

I promise I'll be back soon with more to say...perhaps a check-in on my "OneWord"?

But for now, what about you? What have you been into this month?

Come to the Table

Do y'all remember when I had the opportunity to test a recipe for a new cookbook that was yet-to-be-released?

Well, that book was released TODAY! If you love food, gathering around the table, or encouraging words in book form, Shauna Niequist's new book, Bread & Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table With Recipes, is one you want to pick up.

I was given the incredible opportunity to receive an advanced reader copy to review and holy cow. I've always known Shauna and I were soul sisters, but these words in this book about this topic...blew me away. What I love most about Shauna is that she writes about things that I know to be true deep down in my bones and she puts them out there for me to read and then I know I'm not alone. The world gets a little smaller and a little less scary. Kinda like when you gather around the table.

Ah...the table. I grew up in a home where the table was the center of family life. As an Air Force family, my parents knew how important it was to provide a constant when everything else in our lives was changing every 3 years. The table was that constant. It was where we gathered at the end of hectic days to reconnect, to learn a little more about each other, and to remind one another that whatever else happened that day, you would encounter love and life-giving nourishment for body and soul there. That has carried our family through so many changes and life-moments, I wouldn't even know where to begin. To this day, with my sister and I both grown and living our own lives, when we gather at my parents table we find that same love and life. As Little Sister and I have expanded our lives, the table has expanded as well to include those we bring with us to it. That's always been the case at my parent's table...it was never closed to anyone needing to encounter love and life and nourishment.

I suppose it should come as no surprise then that as I've grown into adulthood and begun to establish my own home that the table would be the center of that home. My life's ministry is to create an environment in which intimacy can flourish wherever I am and, for me, that starts in my home...at my table. It is where I have encountered Jesus most frequently in the last several years...more so than in any church service. I say that because He shows up in the people sitting around the table - in their words, in their ideas, their hopes, and their fears. He speaks truth to me through these people and when I hear their stories, the pain and the joy of their lives, it is quite literally Jesus with skin on sitting there, calling me into real life. He calls me out of my own comfortable world and into their reality and I see the Kingdom begin to come to earth as it is in heaven. The beauty and diversity of it is breath-taking. Jesus Himself sits at my table, in the form of the person He sent me, and we all break bread together and drink wine and REMEMBER. 

Shauna gets all of this. Like, GETS IT, gets it. And she wrote it all down. In a book. And then I got to read it. As I did so, I shouted  "YES!" and "THIS!" and underlined furiously and read aloud passages to Mr. Ford who would, infuriatingly, reply, "Yes, I know. You say that all the time". And I would say, "I KNOW! BUT SHE SAID IT TOO SO THAT MEANS I'M NOT CRAZY!" 

She says:

"What's becoming clearer and clearer to me is the most sacred moments, the ones in which I feel God's presence most profoundly, when I feel the goodness of the world most arrestingly, take place at the table...It's about what happens when we come together, slow down, open our homes, look into one another's faces, listen to one another's stories" (p. 13).

Um. Yeah, Hi! SHE GETS IT! I mean, I could keep going, quoting her, but really you ought to just grab the book for yourself and read these truths. You won't regret it. 

When I was offered the chance to read this advanced copy, I was provided several ideas for ways to engage the book. Since there are recipes throughout, following nearly every essay, they suggested hosting a dinner party and cooking through one of the menus provided at the end of the book. I LOVE a good dinner party, so I thought that was what I wanted to do...invite several people over and make it a picture perfect evening. But as it often does, life got busy. I read the book (okay, devoured it) and loved every word, but things got crazy and I couldn't find a time that would allow me to create the perfect evening I was envisioning. 

I did end up making a pan of Annette's Enchiladas for a couple in our small group that was dealing with some tough family stuff so they wouldn't have to worry about where dinner was coming from. Mr. Ford and I delivered the enchiladas and sat with them for awhile, and we looked into their faces and listened to their story.

We had some other friends over and I did end up making the suggested "Fiesta" menu, mostly because the suggested dessert was a Dark Chocolate Sea Salted Toffee with Vanilla Ice Cream, and I know how much my friend loves salted dark chocolate. That night was so sweet...laughter and conversation and planning with two people that have quickly become confidantes and partners in ministry in countless ways. That time around the table came at the end of a particularly difficult day and brought a great deal of healing to my weary heart and soul. 

I used some of Shauna's tips on quick weeknight cooking and was able to whip up something delightful without too much effort to nourish Mr. Ford and myself after a long day of work for us both.

I made the White Chicken Chili to feed a crowd and the lingering that happened at the end of the night saw new friendships forged.

I made the Mini Mac and Cheese for Ladies Night Out with the women's ministry from our church. I had a total off night in the kitchen that night, wherein I mis-calculated my proportions for doubling the recipe and then dumped half the macaroni all over the floor (Tootles was quite pleased with that particular mishap). Then when I plated them on the serving platter and cut them into quarters to try to make them stretch, I knew that Tom Colicchio and Padma Lakshi would have told me to pack my knives and go on account of the AWFUL presentation (total user error, BTW).

Basically, I've been cooking my way through the book for the last couple of weeks. Every recipe has been, not surprisingly, unbelievably tasty and pretty simple as well. But the most important thing I've learned in all of these adventures in the kitchen, is in large part due to one of Shauna's refrains throughout the book, that it's not a performance and it isn't about perfection. It's about nourishing the people I'm feeding, body and soul. It's about letting go of the need to be Martha Stewart and instead embracing the opportunity to create something with my hands and present it to the people I love as an invitation to holy ground. There we will usher one another into the Kingdom of God simply by sharing the bread and the wine. This is what Shauna says of bread and wine:

"I believe the bread and wine is for all of us, for every person, an invitation to believe, a hand extended from divine to human. I believe it's to be torn and handled, gulped. I believe that we can practice the sacrament of Communion anywhere at all, that a forest clearing can become a church and that any one of us a preist as we bless the bread and wine. And I believe that Jesus asked for us to remember him during the breaking of the bread and the drinking of the wine every time, every meal, every day - no matter where we are, who we are, what we've done" (p. 252)

My heart soars reading those words and my soul settles itself down. I ache to remember Jesus truthfully and in a manner that is holy. When I break bread and drink wine with those I love, I find that I cannot be more truthful or holy than that.

In the final essay of the book, "Come to the Table", Shauna writes: 

"...if you can satiate a person's hunger, you can get a glimpse of their heart....I want you to invest yourself wholly and deeply in friendship, God's greatest evidence of himself here on earth. More than anything, I want you to come to the table. In all sorts of ways, both literally and metaphorically, come to the table" (p 258).

God has called each of us, by name, to His table. Let us now call Him, let us now call others, to our tables and there remember that He is good and He is faithful and that we all have stories to tell.

***

I am grateful that Shauna has written so beautifully to remind us of these truths we already know. If even the tiniest portion of this resonates for you in any way, get your hands on this book. Just reading her words will nourish you.